Candy Crush, the game beloved by billions of phone owners is not what it seems. Despite being installed on 3.3 billion devices and generating revenue equivalent to the GDP of Ecuador, no one has understood exactly what the game had been designed to do. Until today.
Unbeknownst to its legions of users, Candy Crush was designed solely in order to locate ISIS candidates. In what seems to be a total ripoff of The Last Starfighter, it seems that ISIS created a mobile video game that would allow them to winnow out potential candidates for a highly secretive program.
“We’re looking for that one person out there that can play a perfect Candy Crush game,” revealed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “A lot of people are very good at Candy Crush- I am very good at Candy Crush- but not perfect. Once we have the perfect Crusher of Candy we can move onto the next phase.”
That next phase is not entirely clear, but seems to involve giant robots. Many US defense intelligence experts believe that ISIS is building a Voltron-like robot which will be controlled through a Candy Crush-style interface. “Indications are that manipulating the various weapon-systems of the robot will require you to get multiple objects lined up and tapped. We expect that it will require very fast reflexes as well as puzzle-solving skills. This should not be taken lightly.”
ISIS expressed frustration with how long the search was taking and also regretted turning over the Candy Crush license to games developer King. “They had the expertise we needed to make the game, but we got a bad contract with them. We let them have all the revenue because we didn’t want infidel money. But now that we realize how much money it has actually made, we kind of regret that decision.”