This week’s column is a bit of a departure from the normal “week in the life of” format that I have been following. Today, instead, I want to draw attention to an issue which is, honestly not as important as my life, but is still worthy of notice. Specifically, I would like to address the recent push to tear down a vital piece of our town, an edifice that speaks to our history and our heritage, a structure which evokes an emotional response in all of us: the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town.
Recently a group of “concerned” mothers and fathers has rallied around the cause of tearing down the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town. They cite the age of the structure and the dangers of its imminent collapse, they call it an eyesore, they blame this simple building for the deaths of the dozens of children which have gone missing in it over the years. As we all know, this is hogwash. Buildings don’t kill children… usually. Anyway, this building doesn’t kill children. Usually. At the recent City Council meeting which I attended (against protests, I might add, that my appearance would frighten children there) this group of rabble-rousers repeatedly assaulted my earholes with their shrill complaints about the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town. You could not imagine how many times they argued that just because it had been abandoned for the past fifty years that it served no purpose. Baldercocky!
Yes, it is true that the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town has been shut down for a mere handful of decades- not even one average human lifetime, let alone many strange aeons!- but that doesn’t mean it won’t some day be brought back to productive life. It is not hard to imagine a day when you humans with your needlessly sensitive and cancer-prone lungs are gone and a more rugged species has need of high-quality asbestos. It really is very speciesist of these protesters to not consider the needs of whatever type of creature eventually slaughters them all and inherits the earth. Certainly I have no fears of mesothelioma and neither to most types of star-spawn, Old Ones, or the Great Race of Yith.
Now, I do not want any of you to think that I am fighting to keep the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town open out of purely selfish reasons. No, to do so would make me no more than thrice better than my foes in this matter. Rather, I want to see the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town kept open because it represents such a vital piece of history in our community!
For nearly a hundred years before its shutdown, the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town employed hundreds of our citizens. It was a huge jobs creator and it was constantly hiring new workers. When I pointed this out at the Council meeting many of my opponents claimed that they had to do this because of the “disturbingly high” mortality rate of the workers. This is just silliness and tomfoolery. I am not “disturbed” by worker deaths, that’s just good capitalism. None of the protesters were even friends with anyone who had died working in the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town when it was operating fifty years ago. It was all very melodramatic but they did quiet down after I consumed the sanity of one of their numbers. Yes, I admit that this was a bit of a faux pas and not exactly within parliamentary rules, but it helped to settle the room down.
As to the children who have died within the confines of the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town… yes, I suppose that there has been a higher number of human-spawn ushered across the dark doorway to the realm of death inside its walls than in most locales. But maybe parents shouldn’t be letting their children wander about so close to the hypnotic siren calls of the ghosts of mesothelioma victims. Children, as any good parent knows, are highly attracted by ghosts. You could argue that a fence should be put up around the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town, but that would really mar the sight lines. Leave it as it is I say! Further, it must be said that many of these children- if not all of them- had accomplished nothing at all with their lives. Why should we be so concerned with them? Show me even one lost child who had produced a work of great literature or solved some tricky problem of mathematics or philosophy and I would change my mind!
I was somewhat hesitant to reveal this last piece, but I feel it must be said. The reason for most of the children deaths is quite important here. Yes, several are lured into the netherworld by the mesotheliac ghosts, but not all of them. I have conducted my own investigations into the matter and discovered that the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is also inhabited by a certain rare species. A shoggoth to be specific. Now this is a nearly extinct species and to find one in the wild outside of Antarctica is a tremendous discovery. America has not yet recognized them as an endangered species, but I expect that will change as soon as the President reads the letters that I sent him along with a keepsake bas relief of myself. Can any of you really tell me that protecting the habitat of this spectacular and rare creature isn’t worth the shortening of a few- rather pedestrian and unaccomplished- minor human-spawn?
For all of these reasons and more which I will fill your dreams with we must fight to keep the Old Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town intact! Write to your Council-members, send them impassioned please, fill a mason jar with the haunting screams of a night owl! Together we can ensure that our town’s history is not forgotten, that its ghosts are not displaced, and that its rare fauna (flora? I’m honestly not entirely sure) is preserved!