A roundup of the biggest stories in the news! And by biggest we mean stories too small to need their own articles. So, here’s the biggest news that wasn’t big enough on its own! We’ve got ISIS… or ISIL? Is it Islamic State? Maybe daesh? Anway, also Jeb Bush and the Rebel flag!
ISIS Changes Name Again
The organization that calls itself Islamic State (formerly ISIS, formerly ISIL) in undergoing another annoying name change, in keeping with their ever-evolving strategies and short-term goals.
“This time we wanted a name to reflect the strength and stability we wish to bring to the land,” said a masked man in a recorded message who did not identify himself, but who carried himself like a Steve. “We narrowed it down to either ‘The Organization Formerly Known As Islamic State’ or ‘The Terrorist Organization Formerly Known As Islamic State’. It was a very narrow vote, but we decided to drop the ‘Terrorist’ bit and executed the dissidents.”
In the meantime, the group hopes to continue terrorizing and murdering innocent people to make the world a better place.
Jeb Bush Has High 2016 Hopes
Jeb Bush knows he’s entering a crowded field of Republicans, but he isn’t worried. “Guys like Donald Trump can rely on their money to run their campaign; Rick Perry has some name recognition,” said a Jeb Bush insider. “We’ve had 2 Bushes as president already and I think people are getting sick of it. Luckily, Jeb is hoping his experience rigging elections will keep him on top.”
SC Gov. Calls For Removal of Rebel Flag
150 years after the end of the Civil War, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley has called for the last bastion of the Confederacy to be removed from the Capitol of the first state to secede from the union. In response, millions of rednecks are flooding in to Canada, seeking refuge and political asylum.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna hang on my truck,” said Festus Parker, one of millions of most likely inter-related refugees camping outside Ontario. “The ol’ Stars and Bars is part of our history as Americans. You know, the time in our history when we thought certain people were inferior and could be sold as livestock and we decided we didn’t want to be Americans.”
According to officials, the Canadians don’t want the rednecks, but are too polite to refuse them.