Singer of Heavy Metal Band Yells, Threatens Audience Member; Audience Member Completely Innocent of All Wrongdoing 

“Yeah! Rock out with your genitals descretely covered!”

Tobias Plumb is your typical American. He pays his taxes; he drives at or below the speed limit; he dresses modestly; he abstains from alcohol, tobacco, and premarital sex. So when he found himself the center of a heated controversy, he was as shocked as anyone. 

“I was on my way to my baptism when I got lost in a rough neighborhood,” Plumb recounted the incident. “I pulled over to ask for directions and I found myself inside what’s called a ‘heavy metal club’. Folks inside were imbibing alcohol and gyrating to the driving beat of the devil’s music. I didn’t mean to cause a disturbance, but I had come in looking for directions. I asked the gentleman doing the hollering onstage, but he mighty sore. He said some things I can’t repeat and then threatened to kill my whole family.”

Luckily, Plumb managed to escape unharmed, but was rattled by the experience. “I always believed folks were good and neighborly,” he said. “I can see some folk ain’t, and I’m a-prayin’ for ’em.”

Needless to say, such behavior, especially among the heavy metal community is simply shocking. Once the celebrated role models of human integrity and compassion, incidents like these threaten to mar the near-perfect reputations held by all rockers.

“We have worked hard to maintain a high standard of personal conduct,” said Don Excrement, lead guitarist for the black metal band Visceral Excrement. “Unfortunately, on the rare occasions when these things happen, it’s sort of 2 steps backward for the whole scene, even if we are a different sub-genre of metal.”

“Celebrities are held to a different standard than real people,” said some sociologist. “Even if it’s just a metal band only 10% of the population have even heard of, and only 2% of those people even like. Since they’re in the public eye, their actions are scrutinized more closely and they are held accountable for acting like an idiot, but meanwhile idiots get to be idiots in real life on a daily basis with no real-world consequences or accountability.”


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