The Loyal Colonials: Preserving America’s Proud English Heritage

A once proud part of our heritage is in danger of being lost forever, assert the Colonials

Proud American Loyalists fear that America is ignoring its history and its commitments to the Crown.

John Smithers-Boyle sits erect in his parlor, saucer in one hand, a fine porcelain teacup grasped by the thumb and forefinger of the other, his pinky extended daintily as he brings the cup expertly up to his lips with controlled movements, sipping quietly at precise intervals. His powdered wig is exquisite. When he speaks, he is both succinct and polite, preferring to speak plainly in a lilting English accent. He is the presiding officer of the Loyal Colonials, a group of Anglophile Americans who believe the United States are– or at least should be– still part of the British empire. “The Declaration of Independence was a hoax and the revolutionary war never happened,” he chirps matter-of-factly. “Even if such things had occurred, it would be inconceivable that an unorganized gaggle of farmers could ever overwhelm King George’s army.”

Apart from taking issue with key moments of documented history, The Loyal Colonials also believe the Union Jack should be flown in Washington D.C. and the U.S. should pay tariffs to England.
“I have tried very hard to demonstrate my loyalty to her majesty,” explains Martha Templeton-Keane, Secretary-Treasurer of the LCs. “My hope is that she will grant us mercy when we are finally tried for treason.”

Possibly a British monarch.

In the meantime, the group tries to raise awareness to its cause the only way proper Brits know how: sitting around the parlor and talking about the state of things.
“Wretched, absolutely wretched,” says Smithers-Boyle, describing the current state of the world. “What have we come to? Fancy a crumpet?”

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