If you’re like me then you’re awesome. But also you might not be able to keep up with all of the news every weekend and you miss some things. Like which celebrities have shuffled off this mortal coil. Thankfully, I’m here to fill you in!
Reading Rainbow’s “Butterfly in the Sky” Found Dead From Drug Overdose
Police found the Reading Rainbow mascot dead this weekend in its small Los Angeles apartment. Reports state that Butterfly in the Sky was found with massive amounts of heroin and crystal meth in its bloodstream. Suicide was dismissed as a motive when the police found that Butterfly in the Sky’s XBox Kinect had recorded the death, because Kinects are always recording everything and sending it to the NSA. It seems instead that Butterfly in the Sky died attempting to address LeVar Burton’s repeated taunt that he could “go twice as high.” Mr. Burton could not be reached for comment so the police made one up for him in which he expressed sorrow and took all the blame on himself.
Hours After Lethal Injection, DNA Evidence Exonerates Video in Radio Star Murder
Convicted for the murder of Radio Star 1981, Video was executed this weekend despite a last-minute push by the Innocence Project to post-pone the sentence. Tragically, it was just hours after the execution was carried out that new DNA evidence was revealed that unequivocally exonerated Video. We now know that Video did not kill the Radio Star. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush immediately went on Twitter to condemn those who condemned the execution, “Knowing what I know now I didn’t know then that I would know now, you know? We only know what we when we used to have known it.” A new investigation has been opened and Internet is now the primary suspect both in the murder of Radio Star and in the framing of Video.
Billions and Billions of Bees
Did you notice? Did you go out to your garden and wonder why the flowers are drooping and failing to spread? Has there been a small, yellow bear with his head in a jar stuck in your tree for the past week? Is that bear now a slowly-mouldering corpse because Animal Control’s line was busy and you were too lazy to call them back? Well that’s because all of the bees are dying. Except for those being recruited into Obama’s Secret Bee Army. I hope you’ve resigned yourself to a life of unsweetened tea (hot) because the bees are all on their way out. Thanks Obama!