HOLLYWOOD, FL — The blogosphere, along with the handsomest man eating a hot dog on the mezzanine level of the Colorado Rapids July 4th game, was shocked to learn that mildly successful actor and wildly successful Navy recruiter Tom Cruise would be leaving Scientology. Recent reports from such credible TMS competitors like Gawker and mis-spelled travesty Inquisitr cite Cruise’s relationship with his daughter Suri as finally convincing Cruise of the need to leave the cult which is known for keeping non-Tom Cruise members in a state of perpetual near-slavery with psychological and physical abuse while raking in millions of tax-free cash and providing less to society at large than ego-maniac and waste of great hair Donald Trump. It is good to see Cruise finally having a Vanilla Sky-like epiphany and seeing the truth of how he could improve his own personal life without helping the rank-and-file of Scientology at all, but TMS investigators have found that Mr. Cruise’s conversion may not be as altruistic as it seems at first glance.
TMS stumbled onto a Tom Cruise press conference while digging through Mr. Cruise’s trash. We assume that he neglected to send us an invitation because he knows that, like himself, the staff of TMS is composed entirely of clears and Operating Thetan Level Purple-7 Aardvarks (OT LP7A’s) and could thus communicate with him enirely through interpreting the flight pattern of birds. Which we can, we totally can. We just weren’t. But we still found out about the press conference, so it was all ok.
At the press conference Tom announced his decision to leave Scientology, but he did not cite the difficulty of raising a child when his “church” was preventing them from spending time together. He also did not claim that it was Scientology’s abysmal labor practices, the ruination that they caused upon both his marriages, or the fact that L. Ron Hubbard was full of shit and had made false claims about his Naval service. Hubbard definitely did not sink a Japanese submarine with a patrol boat off the coast of California. That should be made very clear… and not ‘clear’ like in Scientology, but actually and really clear.
Instead, Tom announced that he was leaving Scientology because he had found a new lord and master to serve. One true religion that promised salvation, grace, and the end of human suffering. Scientology had been a failed endeavor he claimed, but the Lord he now served was a God of Peace, Love, and Sending Thank-You Pies to People Who Had Done You a Favor. It was a deeply moving speech and the TMS reporter only dozed off once or twice. Himself moved to tears, Tom Cruise choked up as he had an assistant (who had to walk on his knees so as not to make Mr. Cruise look short) remove the decorative sheet that had covered the statue of his new God. The crowd of reporters gasped audibly as a towering effigy of the Great God Cthulhu was unveiled.
Tom concluded his press conference with a very classy goat sacrifice and offered the charred meat to those in attendance. The event quickly degraded to a naked orgy, at which point our correspondent slipped out, his pockets filled with delicious goat meat.