Desperate Scientists Frantically Searching For Cure For Summertime Blues


The fan was nice, but he talked too much.

Still early into July and hospitals are being flooded with thousands of confirmed cases of Summertime Blues, a condition marked by ennui, lethargy, extreme fatigue, sweating, and baritone singing. Most cases are being exacerbated by record heat, extended work hours, and some hilarious third factor. As hundreds of these cases are becoming terminal, doctors and scientists are working to find an elusive cure.

“It would be great to hit the beach, maybe play yacht chicken with some of my doctor friends,” said Dr. Greg Rudolpho, MD. “But people are suffering and I’ve taken an oath to protect pharmaceutical companies, and if my work can funnel money to their research, then I don’t mind making my nurses work a few extra hours.”


Things are tough all over.

Unfortunately, the drug companies are stumped as well, unable to find a suitable cocktail to stave off the effects of the crippling condition.
“Yeah, we totally have a cure,” said one representative of the prescription drug industry who asked to remain anonymous. “Cancer, too. In fact, there aren’t many things we haven’t cured. But if McDonald’s sold a burger that you only have to eat once and never have to eat again, they’d be bankrupt in a week. We prefer return business. Wait, are you recording this?”


Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Yes, it seems a cure for the Summertime Blues is a long way off and hundreds of people are going to die this summer, despite the best efforts of the experts in the field of medicine.



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