WESTFIELD, NJ — It seems that no part of America, no matter how far from the border, no matter how steeped in Americana, no matter how bloviating its governor, can escape the scourge of immigrant families refusing to adapt to local traditions and culture. As the platonic ideal of Republican genius Donald Trump rallies all good-thinking, classy Americans to take up arms against unfenced borders, there remains at least one family in New England unswayed. They have lived in America for decades and yet they have refused to give up their silly Old World customs and assimilate into America. This mysterious and spooky clan goes by the archaic and Un-American name ‘Addams Family’ (no good American name has useless double consonants). They have been squatting on prime New Jersey soil for longer than anyone can remember, and yet they hardly seem American at all.
Nobody has quite been able to figure out exactly where the Addams Family comes from originally, but we can be sure that it is somewhere that is more likely to end in ‘-ylvania’ or ‘-istan’ than ‘-merica’. Certainly they are descendants of some weird European country that turned socialist and subsequently was destroyed by the wrath of our good capitalist God. So they have come to America from whatever Hellscape they Escaped from and yet instead of becoming good Americans, they insist on clinging to old traditions that they should have buried long ago.
Take the matriarch of the family, the admittedly elegant and aloof Morticia Addams. Rather than conforming to the American, and therefore correct, standard of female beauty she has continued to dress in simple black dresses, some of which are so old they have cobwebs. And also spiders. She does not use makeup like a good American housewife, instead she strives for a bone-pale pallor that this reporter did not find in the least suited her.
What’s worse she insists on speaking French half the time! This is a near-treasonous act that is condoned by her beta-male husband. Look, I have nothing personal against the French or their snail language, but this is America, dammit!, and when one country refuses to help us start an unnecessary war, then we refuse to speak their language!
That brings me to Gomez Addams. The titular head of the Addams Family but it is clear that this is not a man who rules his castle. Instead he is wholly subservient to his dominating wife. That’s not the America I know! Assimilate! Gomez seems like a well-mannered and well-educated person, one would think he would have quickly grasped the importance of adopting correct cultural attitudes. But he has blithely ignored Americana, insisting instead to practice swordfighting (instead of fishing), reading (instead of beer), and growing a mustache (instead of a handlebar mustache). The one good thing about Gomez is that he seems to be insanely wealthy. Where did he come by this money? Nobody knows, but what any American does know is that wealthiness proves you are a good, hard-working person, so there must be something more to Gomez than his evil cultural traditions.
Won’t somebody, please think of the children? Yes, yes I will. The children of the Addams Family are the worst part of it. Here again we see the good American way of child-rearing has gone astray. Between son Pugsley and daughter Wednesday (which is Norse by the way!) it is Wednesday who takes the lead role. She bosses her brother around as if it is perfectly natural for a woman to be in charge of a man. It’s not! There are rumors, unconfirmed but no doubt true, that Wednesday was responsible for the chaos at a local summer camp’s oddly-time Thanksgiving Celebration. According to sources, Wednesday refused to play the role of an Indian (I refuse to accept that the tribes that were in America before Europeans were more ‘native’ than Europeans) welcoming the Pilgrims. Instead she made some big hubbub about cultural genocide and tried to burn a nice blonde American girl alive. One cannot help but conclude that if she just wore a little more pink she would turn out a thousand times better.
What of Pugsley you ask? Pugsley, despite the influence of his culturally-backwards parents and sister, seems to be doing fine. He is nicely plump and eats enough cake to convince anyone of his Americanism. He also expresses a healthy interest in explosives and guns. One only wishes that he would step up a bit and make his sister go back to playing with girl toys instead of trying to crowd into his male territory.
There are several others how share the home of the Addams Family. They have welcomed an Uncle, a Grandmama, a Cousin, and several others into their house for indeterminate stays. This embrace of extended family rather than putting them into assisted living homes is, of course, the most un-American of all. Put them on ice flows I say!
As a whole the Addams Family had a chance to really make something of themselves. They could have brought their money over, abandoned their odd (and wrong) kooks, started playing golf and drinking the piss-water that is America’s beech-wood-aged beer heritage, but they have not. They have failed to Assimilate. They have failed to become Americans. They are no better than… than… than foreigners!
I am not normally one to cite the socialist fever-dream that is Star Trek, but there is a lesson in that work of fiction that this Family should take to heart. Think on the Borg, I say unto the Addamses! Learn the lesson that this perfect race teaches us. Assimilate! Assimilate into America! Join us and let us all conform together.
Resistance is Futile!