Get the ticker tape ready cuz there’s gonna be a parade. Donald Trump, America’s Coifed Crusader, our Savior in the Suit, has at last announced his running mate.
“I gave it a lot of thought, as I give every decision I make,” Trump tells TMS. “I thought, Who would be the best Vice President ever? The answer, of course, was Donald Trump, but then I thought, No, silly, you can’t be your own running mate!”
So Trump wrote a lengthy list of his best qualities to match it with potential candidates, ensuring the Trumpiest candidate was picked.
“I needed a guy like me, a guy with strong business sense,” explained the Donald. “Someone with power. Someone who has been demonized by the liberal media. Someone with impeccable fashion sense and equally great hair. That’s when it hit me, and I gave Ron a call.”
Ron, of course, being Trump’s good friend and fellow industrialist, Ronald McDonald, founder and Chief Operating Clown of McDonald’s, Inc. (NASDAQ MCD). “When Don called me, I didn’t hesitate,” said McDonald. “America is in need of real leadership and I know Donald and I can lead this country to a new golden arches. I mean age.”
When asked about his platform and where he stands on the issues, McDonald was clear; he stands with Trump.
“We need to get government of people’s lives,” he said with a serious tone and a wide smile. “We need to put insurance back in the hands of the private sector and deregulate the crap out of it. We need to lower minimum wage to like $3/hr so struggling corporations like my own can stay afloat. We need to strike down some of these overreaching laws, like anti-monopoly laws. We need to make this country great again.
“Also, we need to reopen Guantanamo Bay and send the Hamburglar there.”
One can’t help but be impressed by Ronald’s upbeat attitude as it plays off Trump’s dower demeanor. They are the Yin and Yang of American business and politics, and are clearly the best choice for our future.