COEUR D’ALENE, ID — Jonathon Naglesmith, descendant of the famed nagle-makers of Olde Englande, has announced today that he is nearly ready to take on the challenge of his life. For the past five years, Jonathon has been looking forward to the day when he would finally be ready to start cooking, and his announcement today was to let the world know that… he’s almost there.
Jonathon’s quest for minimal cooking abilities started in 2010 when his mother kicked him out of the basement. He knew that he couldn’t live forever on Domino’s pizza but he also recognized that he had the real-world skills of a child. And so he set out on an intensive training regimen to acquire those abilities that would allow him to survive in the world.
“I started watching Food Network. A lot of it. Those people knew how to cook so I started watching them. Sometimes it was really hard to follow along, but little by little I learned that if you listened to the words Giada was saying instead of just looking at her boobs that you could pick up more information. It was a pretty tough process. Luckily I have a medical marijuana license so that made it easier.” Mr. Naglesmith is apparently not aware that medical marijuana is not legal in Idaho. We did not correct him.
“My first project is going to be a grilled cheese sandwich.” Mr. Naglesmith informed the disinterested busybodies at the local coffee shop where he made the announcement. “I think that within the next week or so- maybe two months at the most- I’ll be ready to start getting my ingredients ready. One of the biggest things that I learned from Giada’s show is that when you’re cooking you have to have ingredients. Once I figured that part out it was really mind-blowing. Opened me up to a whole new world. Yeah. Ingredients. And low-cut tops are apparently very important too.”
Mr. Naglesmith has promised to share the results of his quest with the rest of the world as they develop.