El Donald Seeks to Engage Latin Voters

Not satisfied with just electrifying the Republican polls, a much more somber Donald Trump made another announcement.  Gone were the strains of classic rock; in their place were the sweet and gentle notes of Enrique iglesias’ “Hero”. And instead of descending on his super-classy gold escalator, he quietly rode in on a burro, clad in sombrero and poncho.

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Classiest Man Alive.

He took the podium with an assuring grin, but spoke seriously and with a hint of unrehearsed remorse. “I know I have said some things in the past weeks that could be misconstrued as ‘ignorant’, or  ‘racist’, or ‘plain stupid’,” he began, eloquent and forceful as ever, even in his sincere contrition.

“But it is in the wake of these regrettable but not really remarks, I have been made aware that wealthy white land owners are no longer the only ones who can vote in this country, and if I am to successfully become your next president, I cannot simply pander to roughly one half of the country, even if it is the classier, more important half. I have to pander to the rest of you as well. And I’d like to extend the olive branch to my Latin friends and reconcile this grave mi-mi-mi-mi…”

Trump’s aide came up and said “mistake” for him, at which point he continued, “Let me assure you, to demonstrate my understanding and compassion for these proud, hardworking people, I paid my cleaning lady extra this week.”

Mr. Trump received a standing ovation after several interns for the young GOP started handing out stacks of money to the attendees. When the room calmed, Trump continued. “I took a few moments to talk to her, as well,” he said.  “she speaks only enough American to know she can’t use the gold polish on the platinum countertops, but we shared the international language of understanding and broad hand gestures.  Her name is Enchirito… or Chalupa… or something weird I can’t pronounce.  Let’s just call her Kate; something classy, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  Anyway, she told me about her life back in the place where she came from.  I can’t remember where it was, but it was probably a nice place.  She told me about her family.  She has a brother named Herman. I asked her if he had raped any white women. She said no.  I love her sense of humor!”

As the crowd seemed to become bored and demanding of more money like entitled leeches, Mr. Trump wrapped it up. “May I remind each of us here today that this country was built by immigrants. Ever since the first native Americans came here, the pilgrims helped them find jobs building high rise condos and that’s why we have Thanksgiving.”

Even though the last attendee had left hours before Mr. Trump finished, it was probably these closing remarks that resounded most, and not just because the room was empty and had awesome acoustics.  It is because it speaks to something so true and basic to all of us, whether American or Mexican, or perhaps some other nationality that hasn’t been discovered yet, and that is that no matter where we are from or how we got here, we are none of us classier than Donald Trump.

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