COLCHESTER, VT — Scientists at the University of Vermont, assuming that there is such a place, recently published a study on the daydreaming habits of married couples. Specifically they focused on determining who people in marriages tend to have “affair-related fantasies” or ARFs about. In a study of 10,003 marriages, the researchers found a dramatic pattern that held firm across all other factors. It seems that despite age, race, wealth, or length of marriage the vast majority of married women have repeated ARFs about the Property Brothers. Further, the study found that a majority of married men also have Property Brother-related ARFs.
The Property Brothers are actually two twins with separate names and identities: Drew and Jonathon Scott. I don’t know which is which and apparently the researchers did not attempt to separate. “We tried it,” Dr. Argus Pendleskye said, “But we found that nobody actually had separated them out. All of the ARFs actually treat the Property Brothers as a single inseparable unit.”
Researchers found that women fantasized about the Property Brothers for a variety of reasons. “They’re fit, attractive men who own their own very successful business. They build things with their own hands and they work hard and they know all about design and patterns. They also have a strong family bond, as showcased when they built a freaking mansion for their parents in order to have more family gatherings. Really, women find them to be the total package.” The creepiness of the twin factor and generally ickiness of “twincest” did not seem to curb the appeal.
The researchers were more perplexed by the appeal of the Property Brothers on the male side, as such ARFs were also found among heterosexual males. “Well, mostly it isn’t about sex,” said one husband on condition of anonymity.
“Mostly we’re just thinking about how nice it would be to have a new deck put in, maybe an office where we can drink without being able to hear the kids. Or I guess that guest bedroom that the wife has always wanted. So yeah, mostly it isn’t about sex. Mostly,” he concluded with a wistful look in his eyes.
Further research is needed to determine the full extent of Property Brother-related fantasies of marital infidelity. Researchers now are prepared to say only that the house-renovating twins are by far the most important cause in any and all marriage failures.