The summer is nearly over and panicked vacationers are rushing to the beaches before they close for the season or become oily lagoons of death. But as tourists fill the beaches, sharks are an ever-present concern, ever lurking beneath the surface…
An ominous dorsal fin cutting through the water’s surface, and John Williams’ theme from Jaws the only warning before terror strikes. So here are some helpful ways to fend off sharks* in case you are planning on going to the beach or getting kidnapped by pirates.
Fill It Up On Bread
Shoving hundreds of Cheddar Bay Biscuits and complementary bread rolls down its gullet will cause it to lose its appetite as its body struggles to break down the starches and carbohydrates. The shark will then nap on the couch while you swim go safety.
Inflate Your Body To 6x Its Original Size
By doing so, you make it impossible for the shark to swallow. If you do it early enough, the shark will see you are too large of prey and eat the guy next to you, and if you do it after the shark has already eaten you, everyone will laugh at the fat shark, who will then become very self-conscious and spit you out. Very effective, even without poisonous barbs.
Shoot Your Ink
Sharks have the best eyesight of any animal in the world so spraying ink from your ink bladder directly into its eyes will confuse and disorient the shark, causing it to rethink its life choices.
Offer It Something Else
Sharks have evolved into vicious apex predators over millions of years, but today’s modern sharks have more refined pallets. While they prefer seal, they will settle for Americans when it’s the day before payday and there is no more food in the house. So come prepared! Have a seal carcass in your wetsuit/swimwear in case you must barter for your life.
Shoot It With A Gun
There isn’t a problem in America that can’t be solved with more guns.
If you play dead, the shark will lose interest and move on. Or maybe that’s bears? Oh, well. Try it anyway.
Try To Find Dolphin-Infested Waters
It’s just safer.
*Do NOT use any of these tips in the actual event of an actual shark attack involving an actual shark. They will not actually work.