LINCOLN, NE, USA– Bald Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts made the most important announcement of his hopefully short gubernatorial career this week before an excited throng of twenty-somethings and their tragically uncool parents.
“Nebraska is a state of traditions,” he read aloud from his note cards. “From our ag-based economy to our unreasonably high expectations for our college football team, tradition is what defines our state. And of all our accomplishments and proud achievements, whether it is building chimney Rock or defending our trails from Mormons, one stands out as our defining achievement; the crown jewel of our state’s mostly boring history; the one thing we share that says to all the other states, ‘See? We aren’t just a hat for Kansas!’ Of course, I am referring to The Monthly Spew was created here, in our great state!”
By now the crowd erupted into thunderous applause and began to crash the barricades separating them from the Governor. The scene quickly spiraled out of control as the mostly white crowd started flipping cars, arbitrarily setting fires, looting businesses, and firing their legally obtained handguns into the air. Governor Ricketts was led to safety as the National Guard dispersed the crowd with stern looks. Later, Ricketts was able to complete his announcement from an undisclosed, secure location.
“I hereby declare May 20th to be International The Monthly Spew Day,” the Governor said over the phone before rather abruptly hanging up the phone when we pointed out state officials probably can’t declare international holidays.