HOUMA, LA — Residents of sleepy Houma, LA were shocked to learn that resident billionaire Tommy Colborun made a shocking declaration that shocked many with its declarativeness. It seems that Colborun, founder and CEO of genetic engineering company DNAttack, has refused to follow the footsteps of every other plutocrat in the nation. He will not, he says, purchase any of the currently-running presidential candidates.
Tommy Colborun has been a maverick among the 1% for years now, but his decision to avoid buying a presidential contender is surprising even for him. The billionaire made his billions the traditional, American way by purchasing small biotech companies using tax-payer funded loans, parking the profits offshore, and then systematically selling off those companies’ assets before declaring bankruptcy on them and moving on. What made him radically different from the other corporate raiders that make up the jobs creators of America was his decision to steer clear of politics.
“Every other plutocrat in the nation has spent literal truckloads of cash on lobbyists,” says wealth historian Dr. James Macklemore. “They make sure that they have politicians who are essentially part of their staff. Its seen as a status symbol among the 1%. ‘Oh, that’s a very nice Senator you’ve got,’ they’ll say to one another. ‘Did I mention that I just picked up the Speak of the House? Got a very nice deal on him.’ But Colborun never went in for that. Generally he preferred cocaine. He really is a horse of a different color. Not that he is a horse. He is actually a man.”
Still, despite his persistent avoidance of political horse-trading (Again, that is just a phrase. They aren’t trading actual horses. Except when they are. Sometimes a Senator from Kentucky will be purchased from a rival fat-cat* for a herd of horses.) everyone had expected Colborun to purchase one of the many presidential candidates that are currently on the market.
“With seventeen GOP candidates up for grabs and four Democrats, it’s a total buyer’s market right now. The fact that Colborun still elected to avoid buying one is… well it’s like something that I’ve never seen before. Like a hamster doing jumping jacks. I’ve never seen that before,” Macklemore said.
As for Colborun himself, he has stated that his refusal is in keeping with his faith in America. “Look, I figure why bother? Its not like I have any major changes in mind for our system. I already make more money in a day than 90% of this country makes in a year and I pay less in taxes than my secretary. What need would I have for my own president? No, I’ll stick with my cocaine if you don’t mind.”