Jon Stewart Leaves the Daily Show: Millions of Shiftless Millennials Flock to Bill O’Reilly

Jon Stewart loves The Monthly Spew

“Now that TMS is on the job, I feel safe retiring. They have my total faith.”

TRENTON, NJ — Following a superlative sixteen year run as Craig Kilborn’s understudy, progressive shaman Jon Stewart has stepped down from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart show.  His passing from the desk has left a huge, gaping, sucking chest wound of a gap in late night newstainment.  And no one feels that void more than the flocking sheeple that makes up the worthless generation of the Millennials.  To whom will they turn next to make up their mindless minds for them?

We caught up with one member of this Lost Generation.  Like every single Millennial, Hilton S. Hunterson lives in his parents basement, working part-time as a blogger while curating his prized collection of ironic moustache combs.  “I’ve been a Jon Stewart devotee for… like a long time.  I mean, I’m not one of the close-minded bigots that everyone who doesn’t watch Jon Stewart is.”

Hilton, emasculated by the liberal agenda, waxed poetic about Stewart’s reign as the light among the darkness of cable news.  “He was just right about everything and he made being a progressive liberal very easy.  Whatever Stewart said, I would just agree with that and people on the internet would give me lots of Facebook likes and upvotes.  I mean, if I just posted a Daily Show clip online right after the show I was guaranteed to get that sweet, sweet rush of endorphins that comes from people agreeing with you on the internet.  It was awesome.”

Hilton then smoked some weed while we played on our phone and feigned interest in his combs.  We thumbed through the books he had stacked out on his coffee table- made out of a reclaimed coffee table- to impress visitors.  Eventually he got back to the point.

“But now the problem is that Jon Stewart is leaving and I just don’t know what to do.  I hear that John Oliver is good but my stupid parents dropped HBO and nobody will let me use their HBOGo password so I’m out of luck there.  I was really worried that I would have to think for myself, but then I found Bill O’Reilly.”

“Come unto me, thou Millennials and I shall give unto thee guidance and scapegoats!”

It seems that like literally millions of his fellow Millennials, Hilton S. Hunterson is finding himself pulled into the safe comfort of following along with professional pundit Bill O’Reilly.  “I mean, I wasn’t really onboard with him back with I had Jon to keep me on the straight and narrow… but he makes a lot of sense now.  It helps that I can just watch the show and, since I’m a straight, white man, be assured that all of the problems around me are somebody else’s fault.  I gotta say, that’s a comfort that I never got from Stewart.  Its a very comforting kind of comfort.”

In the wake of Jon Stewart’s departure, the ratings surged for Bill O’Reilly’s Fox “News” show the… O’Reilly Factor?  We didn’t bother to look it up.  We don’t care.  The Neilsons were also shocked to report that, for the first time in years, viewers of Fox were not composed primarily of the insane uncles of normal people.  So that’s good for them.

“I’m even planning on getting some of O’Reilly’s books,” Hilton said at the end of our interview.  “I think they’ll look nice stacked up beside the Elizabeth Warren and Piketty books that I got when Stewart featured them on his show.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even try reading them.  Certainly the back covers at least.”

We'll miss you Jon.

We’ll miss you Jon.


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