Aberdeen, NJ — In a sign that the culture wars continued unabated and without any sign of abatement, one New Jersey man is locked in a life-or-death struggle with the atheistic killjoys of his Home Owners Association. The dispute? Whether he can begin decorating his home for the sacred holiday of Halloween.
George Tennyson has always celebrated Halloween. As a deeply religious man, he sought to maintain his connection to the faith of his forefathers and to celebrate the deep meaning of the holiday. As apart of that long tradition, Tennyson likes to decorate his house in the traditional icons of Halloween. But when he started doing so this August, he ran into trouble with the local HOA.
“I was scattering bones and dismembered limbs on my lawn, you know, nestling them into the grass. That’s just part of what my religion teaches me and I wanted to share it with the world. With the little kids in particular. But then I got a citation from the HOA.” It seems that the HOA board has passed regulations that limit the times during which religions are free to be practiced- like the atheist communists that they are.
“Our rules have always been very clear,” said a HOA spokesman who probably would have just given a fake name if we had bothered to ask. “Halloween decorations should not be put out until mid-September. During the summer months we expect our residents to continue maintaining their lawns. What Mr. Tennyson was doing was going to prevent him from mowing the grass. Also, and we didn’t look into this because we were terrified, but some of those decorations seemed to be actual human limbs.”
Several of George’s neighbors admitted that they had been part of the plot to shut down his 1st Amendment rights to celebrate his religion in whatever manner he thinks necessary no matter how it might affect anyone else. “The smell was just really awful,” said one jerk neighbor. “Like rotting meat and death. Our dog, Scraps, brought home one of the decorative bones and was gnawing on it. After that, the vet told us that Scraps had developed Kuru disease and we had to put him down.”
Now is a foul miasma of sickening stench and a rare disease typically found only among certain Papa New Guinean tribes really reason enough to deny a man his right to celebrate the religion of his forefathers? No. No it is not. Is it unorthodox for someone to start decorating for Halloween in August? Maybe. Is it strange these days that someone takes their religion seriously enough to not abandon the ancient rituals of the Old Ones? Sadly, yes. But George has every right to practice his religion whether that means carving pumpkins in August when they haven’t fully ripened or scattering the remains of sacrificial victims on his lawn as a sign of obeisance to the things that scurry behind the cloth of the black night.
It is a sad day in America when we trample on the religious rights of our citizens just because they smell bad.