Cthulhu’s Corner: The City Council Out of Time

Cthulhu's CornerThe following is a partial transcript taken from the August 19th meeting of the City Council.  Among many other topics discussed was the plan to tear down the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town.  The current proposal to demolish the Factory was opposed by Local Activist and Great Old One Cthulhu.

Note:  The recording for the previous fifteen minutes were not recoverable for transcription due to the excessive amount of screaming and the weeping of angels.

Council Member Isaac von Neuberg: Order!  Order!  Can everyone please take their seats!  The ambulances have arrived to take away those unfortunates stricken with insanity.  If you could quietly escort any afflicted friends and family members out through the back we still have a lot of business to attend to.  Mr. Cthulhu, I would like to ask you to please refrain from doing that again.

Cthulhu:  I, of course, am sorry for the disruption.  Though I would like it noted that my attendance was listed on the agenda and people of weak mental constitution or strong convictions on the nature of reality would have been well-warned to avoid tonight’s meeting.

Council Member Jessica Sur:  That is noted, Mr. Cthulhu.  However, all of these people have a similar interest in seeing this city prosperous.  They attended because, like you, they share a concern over how the property known as the “Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town” is developed.  I noticed that many of those afflicted were proponents of the City’s current plan to tear down the factory and open it up to commercial development.

Cthulhu, Private Citizen:  I do not find it at all coincidental that the citizens most likely to fall victim to losing their minds when faced with the realization that true reality does not match up to their preconceived notions are also the citizens most likely to support this horrid cash-grab currently proposed by your Council of small-minded simpletons.

Council Member Neuberg, Blonde:  Mr. Cthulhu, if you could refrain from making personal insults about our town’s excellent citizens we would all appreciate it.  Now that the calamity has calmed down a bit, we would also appreciate it if you would make your case.  We are happy to give you your chance to speak out of recognition of your status here in town.

Cthulhu, Dread:  Yes, of course, Council-Member.  I hold nothing but respect for the various and sundry mortal residents of our fine city.  They are not at all to be considered horrid pests worthy of not even my slightest glance or consideration.  They are great people, one and all I am sure.  I thank the Council for granting me this time on the agenda and I will make my case quite succinctly and logically, such that I am certain you will all come around to see that preserving the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is the only reasonable course of action.

Cthulhu, still:  As has been mentioned at previous meetings, the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is considered to be a nuisance and a danger.  It is old.  It is abandoned.  It is full of dangerous machinery that has become rusty and broken.  We know that small children have injured themselves exploring the premises- falling from catwalks, cutting themselves on rusted bits of metal, occasionally sacrificing one another to the Dark Things in the sub-basements.  I do not deny this of course.  The place is certainly filled with the wailing of the ghosts of these poor children.

Council Member Hannah Liu, NPR subscriber and tote-bag owner:  The Council has not yet determined if the strange noises recorded at Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town are actually ghosts.  The Committee on Hauntings, Sanitation, and Toyotas is still looking into the evidence.

Cthulhu, Aspiring Author:  Of course, thank you for the correction Council Member Liu.  May your offspring feast on those who would wish them harm.  My point on that is this:  Children die.  It has always been true.  For so much of mankind’s history, the mortality rate of children was shockingly high.  Even if we include the few deaths ascribed to the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town our fine town is still well above replacement levels.  In short, the town can afford to lose a few of its young in a good cause.

Council Member Neuberg, balding and trying to hide it:  While I am not prepared to stake out a position on whether or not the city can afford to lose more or less children each year, I would like to note that I have not yet been convinced that Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town constitutes any kind of noble cause in and of itself.  Certainly if were still producing economically viable asbestos and creating jobs, then I might see your point in preserving it.  But as it stands now, it is bringing in no benefits to the town which would offset the loss of life.

Cthulhu, Not as slimy to the touch as you would expect; kind of like a snake really:  Oh but you are so wrong in that, Mr. Neuberg.  The Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town provides this town with something much greater today than it ever did when it was actually in functioning order.  It provides charm.  We can not let this town be swallowed up by commercial development- by strip malls and high rises.  We must preserve our history.  We must remain true to our character.  And the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is a large part of that character.  If you tear down the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town what is next?  Would you tear down the Old City Hall just because it has bats?  Would you demolish the Satanic Chapel just because it gets used by serial killers every three or four years?

Council Member Maria Ramirez, Baker of Fine Breads:  You’re getting a bit astray Mr. Cthulhu.  If you could please stick to the topic?

Cthulhu, Coffee Snob:  Yes, of course.  I want to finish my time by reminding everyone that the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is not uninhabited.  While the US Fish and Wildlife Service has not yet put them on the list, I strongly contend that the shuggoth currently living inside the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town is an extremely rare species.  We know of no others which have made their home anywhere else in North America.   In fact, the vast majority of them can be found only the Abandoned cities of the Elder Things in Antarctica.  Now, I mention the Elder Things with no animosity even though they waged an illegal, criminal war against my children.  They were awful, of course, but that does not mean that we should let these innocent shuggoths that they bred go extinct.

Council Member Sur, No relation to Big Sur:  You call the shuggoth an “innocent” Mr. Cthulhu, but the Committee on Wildlife Relations prepared a report that shows that it has actually been responsible for the deaths of at least seventeen children over the past three decades since the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town was shut down and it moved into the basement.  They also believe that there is a strong possibility that it was the shuggoth that killed Old Man Harling, the last owner of the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town, when he went missing along with all of his pirate gold.

Cthulhu, Spawn of the Stars and Ancient Mystery:  I cannot say with any certainty what happened to Old Man Harling.  I am sure that he was a fine capitalist in his time, but I can say that anyone who is most known for digging up pirate graves and stealing the gold from old sea caves can hardly be considered the kind of citizen we would like to keep around.  And the shuggoth is a wild animal.  We shouldn’t consider it any less innocent just for trying to keep itself alive.  It is not that it hates children, it is just that no one else is foolish enough to enter the Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town for it to feed on.

Council Member Janus Freidl, previously napping:  What about prisoners?  Would it eat prisoners?  We could save a lot of money on housing prisoners that way!

Cthulhu:  I don’t see why not.

Council Member Neuberg, jealous of his neighbor’s lawn:  That is not a question for us to take up tonight Council Member Freidl.  We are still waiting on the report from the Committee on Overcrowded Prisons and Steakhouses.  Mr. Cthulhu, thank you for your time.  The Council will take all of your concerns into consideration when we meet next.  I believe that we will also be hearing from another local celebrity at that time, is that correct Council Member Bolker?

Council Member C. Bolker, Keeper of Schedules and Collector of Snow Globes:  Uh… yes.  A… Mr. Aslan the Allegory has asked to speak at that meeting.

Council Member Neuberg, of whom there is nothing left of interest:  Great.  Again, thank you for your time Mr. Cthulhu.  The discussion is tabled for now.  And could you take that… cat? with you on the way out?  Some of citizens in the back of the room have started building an altar to it and, as you know, we are not allowed or prepared to erect any religious iconography within our chambers.

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