Protestants Disapprove of “Socialist Jesus”

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Following dissent among the American Catholic church following Pope Francis (Pope Franky to his homies) and his progressive stances on poverty and the environment, protestants have taken issue against their own religious leaders, labeling them “Socialist”.

“There is no possible way for me to care any less about what the Pope says about anything,” said Steven Douglas, a white anglo-saxon protestant American male, about 5’11”, 165 lbs, and blonde.  “But I don’t care for this Socialist Jesus.”

Having grown up in the church, Steven professes a strict conservative Christian worldview, aligning more anti-stuff than pro-anything.  But to him, it seems perhaps that the Jesus of Nazareth he reads about in the gospels of the New Testament doesn’t fall in line with what he’s been taught.

“I decided to read the bible,” said Steven.  “like, really read it.  Some of this stuff Jesus said and did doesn’t make any sense.  He talks about paying your taxes and helping the poor, instead of distrusting the government and judging welfare recipients like a good Republican.  Clearly, his stances have changed in the last 2000 years and it no longer aligns with what the church truly believes.”
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Other protestants have answered Steven’s call, raising concerns over Jesus’ sociopolitical attitudes, going so far as causing a scene in the religious center of his day.

“He took a violent stand against religious and economical exploitation of the poor,” said Douglas Stevens, a fellow congregant of Steven’s church and a member of his Facebook group, Protestants Against Socialism.  “This kind of behavior is completely contrary to what the church teaches.”
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Jesus could not be reached for comment.

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