TMS Reads The Stars: Horoscopes

Horoscope wheel chart

Basically voodoo

None of us at TMS are certified horologists, which means we are equally as qualified to give you life advice based on astrological hokum as anyone else!  Find out what the stars have in mind for you today!  Did you know that Wolf 359 really hates people born in January?  Crazy, right?

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You will face a difficult life decision today.  You will choose poorly.  If not quite so poorly as the Nazi from Last Crusade (or, frankly any Nazi who chose to be a Nazi) still pretty poorly.  Try to do better tomorrow.  If you survive your poor choices today.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Look under the couch.  Keep looking.  Everything that you have ever lost in your life is there.  Don’t give up hope.  You can get it all back.  Your youth, your joie de vivre, your faith in humanity.  Make sure to check under the cushions as well.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Yes, you do deserve a raise.  Today is your day to march into the bosses office and demand that you get what you deserve.  Throw down the gauntlet and make them fight to keep you.  Tell them you have an offer on the table from Google and you’re going to take it unless they double your salary.  Whatever you do do not back down.  You can live a long time on bulk rice and beans.  They’ll be back.  You truly are an important part of your workplace.  download

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
An old acquaintance is going to make an appearance in your life today.  Probably via a Facebook reminder that its their birthday.  Ignore them, you have more important issues to take care of.  Like that rash spreading up your arm.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)
The stars say that you don’t exist today.  Try again tomorrow.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
You see a movement from the corner of your eye and you turn to look.  You half expect to see them there even though you know that’s impossible.  A  face in the crowd gives you a flicker of hope and you pursue a stranger several blocks past your office.  It isn’t them.  As the adrenaline fades you feel that numb disappointment flooding back in its wake.  You resign yourself once again to a life colored by loss and sadness and incompleteness because they will never be part of it again.  You are broken and a part of your soul is missing and cannot be replaced.
Maybe you never should have let them drink that expired gasoline.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
I still don’t understand what the hell you were doing in Final Crisis.

Seriously... wtf?

Seriously… wtf?

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Why not try something new today?  Take a risk for once in your life!  Do something that you’ve always wanted to try but never have had the courage to do.  You can’t die today anyway because your going to die tomorrow.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
Haters gonna hate.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Take an alternate route to work today.  They are watching your normal route.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
You were up way too damn early this morning and haven’t had any coffee.  You would be perfectly happy to watch the world burn.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You’re like the fish guys, right?  Maybe move to the coast then.  Find an ocean or a lake and immerse yourself.  Feel the cool slime at the bottom of a lake.  Try and catch a fish with your bare hands.  This is your element, this is where you belong.  Set up a tent on the shore and spend your days in the water.  Move the tent closer to the water.  Mover your tent into the water.  You’re a fish-person now.  This is your home now.3fb970eaa962b5e5fdc2c20ff6678fe94edce9a9


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