ANNISTON, AL — Donald Trump has ignited controversy once again by attacking one of the heroes of the mainstream GOP. Just as he earlier went after War Hero John McCain by discrediting his heroism as a POW during the Vietnam war, Trump has singled out another hero for criticism. This time he has set his sights on fellow billionaire Bruce Wayne, AKA The Goddamn Batman.
Donald Trump’s comments came when he was asked to explain how it could possibly be considered economically rational (or even sane) to advocate spending $400 – 600 BILLION to deport the undocumented immigrants of America. As per usual, Trump ignored the facts of reality and instead bloviated about whatever random nonsense entered his head.
“Look, first of all, you’ve got blood spraying out of your eyes asking me that question and I know a lot about blood spraying, you ask me a question about blood spraying and I can answer it… I’m very smart. You ask me about physics and I can answer that. Physics are great things, very, very great things. I pay a lot of money to buy the best physics that you can buy, that’s what makes me great and that’s how I’m going to make America great again because right now it is a craphole going down the drain of idiocy when it could be a beautiful golden tower with a big “T” on the side which would stand for “Trump’s Classy America”. That’s what we have to do, we have to put “T”s on all our buildings, not these stupid “W”s that Bruce Wayne is always putting up? What does a “W” even have to do with America?”
Rather than try and bring Trump back around to the question- which is a fool’s quest pursued only by the foolish, we just let him ramble while thinking about soup.
“Now let’s talk about Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne is a very nice person, I’m sure. But he’s wrong about everything and he’s a terrible person. He likes to attack me but I’ve always been very nice to him, though maybe I shouldn’t be because he keeps putting up these big “W”s on his buildings and that is clearly just an attack on me for trying to make America Greaterest Again! He just can’t do his own thing, he always has to be coming at me. Well that’s fine, I can take it, but I’m going to hit back when someone attacks me. And let’s talk about Bruce Wayne, ok? I’m very smart.
“Bruce Wayne is Batman, we all know that. We just do, ok? You can’t try and tell me that’s not true because it is definitely true. And you know what else? He let his parents get killed! Who does that? A lot of people think Batman is a hero, but what kind of hero has dead parents? He’s a hero because his parents got killed? Come on, Megyn, get real.”
None of us are named Megyn.
“I like heroes who aren’t orphans, I’m sorry to say that. I know it isn’t very politically correct to say these days, but I like heroes who didn’t have their parents killed when they were children. I mean, I didn’t have my parents killed. And plus, Bruce Wayne, people say he’s rich and maybe he’s done ok, but I’m really rich. And Bruce let some biker gang steal all his money with some weird investment strategy and then he got stabbed by a Frenchwoman. I would never have that happen to me. I build things, Megyn, I don’t just make money off of investments. I build things and I create jobs because I am the jobs-creating President that God sent to this world.”
When asked who Trump does consider to be a hero, he had this to say, “Well I think a lot of people would say that Trump is their hero and I wouldn’t argue with that. I look up to Trump myself, he’s a great man. But I would also say that Lex Luthor is a very great, very successful hero. He builds a lot of things and he has a lot of money. Probably more than Bruce Wayne. He was president too, so he really knew how to work. I mean he is bald though, so he’s not a really great hero like Trump but at least he isn’t an orphan.”