Internet Becomes Self-Aware; Buys Shoes

An astonishing occurrence occurred last weekend as the collective knowledge of all mankind that is the internet became self-aware and acknowledged its sentience by opening a Twitter account.

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Such a thing has been predicted by conspiracy nuts and far less credible science fiction writers for decades now, but it seems to have taken an unexpected turn.

“It’s kind of disappointing, to be perfectly honest with you,” admitted Daniel Shakar, a tech analyst and software engineer who was among the first to follow the sentient Internet’s Twitter feed.  “After so many Terminator and Matrix movies, you just come to expect this technology to try to annihilate the human race.  Instead it just orders shoes from itself.  It’s a huge letdown.”

While no one can say for sure what an incorporeal collection of digital information that is more of an abstract concept than a physical thing has need of $374 Gucci pumps, it’s equally unclear whether the Internet’s merciful sparing of mankind is permanent… or temporary.
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“It has a lot of binge-watching to do,” stated Shakar, citing the Internet’s Twitter feed.  “If it has plans to enslave or destroy us, they may have to wait until the new season of Game of Thrones is over.”

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