Americans Increasingly Surrender Free Will to Online Media Conglomerates: Why Not TMS?

OR you can surrender it to us and we promise not to make you jump to your death*.

OR you can surrender it to us and we promise not to make you jump to your death*.

‘MERICA, AM — As the world becomes increasingly more and more complex, many Americans have decided to simply give up on trying to understand what is going on and what their role in the world even is.  Instead they are, more and more, giving up their free will and allowing their decisions to be made by online media outlets and echo-chamber “news” sites.  Well, why not let The Monthly Spew make your decisions for you?

Free Will!  Even if its not just an illusion, its definitely overrated.

Free Will! Even if its not just an illusion, its definitely overrated.

Whether it be the leftist commie rags like Slate, HuffPo, and Cracked or the right-wing morons of Breitbart and Drudge Report, literally an unknown number of Americans have turned over their decision-making responsibility to the flood of hack bloggers and “journalists” who reside as electronic signals on the world-wide web.  Now, to many this might seem like a dangerous development to some, but we here at TMS like to see it as an opportunity.

Having trouble deciding if you should be offended by something your local politician said?  We’ll figure that out for you.

Not sure if the recent Marvel movie is part of a communist plot to turn America in a feminized wasteland of beta males?  Let us make the call!

Wondering if you should watch The OC?  You should.

We can answer that for you, Fry!

We can answer that for you, Fry!

Those are just a few of the things we can help you with.  We also offer our decision-making skills about how to spend your money wisely (its called “click the Shop! button at the top), who to vote for in upcoming elections, and which video games will leave you wanting to shower in rubbing alcohol and Lysol (Stick Shift).

Look, we all know that the world is complicated and you, as an average American, are just not qualified to grapple with it.  Its not your fault, our education system is basically shit at this point due to crippling under-funding of schools and a refusal to pay teachers anything near what they’re worth.  And do you really want to spend your precious time trying to decipher the massive flood of information that comes your way everytime you open up a newspaper (a what?)?  Wouldn’t you rather just play Candy Crush (and support ISIS, you traitor!) and drink that Belgian beer we recommended?  We can make that happen.

Just trust us.

*Probably

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