Has your memory foam Pillow ever reminded you where you left your keys? Or about your wife’s birthday? Has it ever reminisced about the ‘good old days’? Has it even ever remembered the shape of your lumpy head? If you answered no to all of these completely founded and reasonable questions, it’s probably because those are not the designed functions of your memory foam Pillow.
Instead, Bed, Bath, & Beyond have been using the memory in the foam to store your secrets via psychic Bluetooth gel while you are sleeping. The company openly Admits to doing so, stating that it is covered in the terms and conditions portion of the pillow agreement signed by every customer who buys a memory foam pillow, and that the information gleaned from this process is used for marketing purposes.
What Bed, Bath, & Beyond has failed to disclose to their customers is that database is which contains the private dreams downloaded through the memory foam has been hacked and the dreams leaked.
“In the name of disclosure, We believe the global community has a right to the information contained within those dreams,” stated NoMoreBS, an online community of hackers who are claiming responsibility for the leak. “Nobody wants to see that many people giving speeches in their underwear, especially when they’re mostly pale and flabby, unlike the toned, fit, and tan members of NoMoreBS.”
But NoMoreBS isn’t the only community taking responsibility for the hack, another group of hackers calling themselves WikiWikiWhat says they did it and that NoMoreBS is dumb and smelly. A third group, HackySax, is also claiming responsibility, and adds that NoMoreBS and WikiWikiWhat are terrible names.
Whoever did it, and all signs point to an irresponsible BB&B employee named Douglas who accidentally emailed all the dreams to his entire mailing list instead of the hilarious cat video he promised, Bed Bath, & Beyond are scrambling to cover their figurative butts, which may take both their figurative hands. Stock in the company plummeted at the breaking of the news and investors were jumping ship like it was the Titanic. Or the Lusitania. Or the Merrimac. Or some other vessel that sunk, of which there have been many. The company has been left to sell off their quilts and shower curtains to the hobos who live behind the dumpster, which most analysts agree is a pretty good deal.
Meanwhile, Ricardo told Angela that he couldn’t see her anymore. Devastated, Angela begged him to stay, asking him why. Because, said Ricardo, I’m blind.