PODUNK, IA — A group of teenagers from nearby Hustler High School gathered recently to debate the troubling issues currently troubling the very troubled USA. Among the topics up for discussion by this elite and erudite club of drunk, short-sighted, and highly self-assured drunks was that of illegal immigration.
“It’s just… illegal is illegal, right?” argued noted legal scholar and second-string Hustler High Tortoises quarterback, Luthor Org. “They can’t just break the law and then be all ‘well, it was just for love.’ Pass the beer.”
Org’s sentiments were seconded by several of the gathered crowd, among them head cheerleader George Welk. “People like to say that these immigrants are coming here because life is better here. Well it is for now! But what happens once it’s filled with people who refuse to fly our flag? America!”
However, there was some dissent among the crowd. Notably Steph Amberose, state champion debate team captain. “Well, I get it. America is the land of opportunity. And they’ve found that immigration actually adds to the economy far more than it takes away. Besides, its not like we could actually deport millions of people without going into even deeper debt.”
Steph’s calls for rationality were, however, shouted down amidst drunken jeers and thrown beer cans. At the end of the debate it seemed that “Illegal is illegal” would carry the day among this crowd of blatant criminals.
“Steph’s always like that,” Org explained of his ex-girlfriend’s ‘less attractive’ friend. “She’s always such a goody-two-shoes. Always stuck up, following the rules and wearing both shoes at the same time. But I’d still hit that!”
High fives and beer cans are exchanged in riotous approval just before metal shop teacher, Ronald P. Murt arrived and chastised the group for their behavior.
“This is school property; you can’t drink here!” he scolded. “Unless you pass me one!”
The drinking continued until some kids from rival school South High showed up with their own beer. Although prissy, stuck up Steph Amberose welcomed them, Mr. Murt and company (hereafter referred to as the Party of the First Part) jeered once again, took their beer and demanded they “go back where they came from”. The South students instead broke into the shop and changed all the wrenches to metric as the Party of the First Part were passed out under the bleachers. And they all lived happily ever after, until the end of their days.