LONDINIUM, UK — The prestigious Oxford-Cambridge School of Economic Studies has just published a shocking report on the state of the world economy. Their principle finding? That, despite years of conventional wisdom and stability, current markets no longer value a single bird in the hand as equal to two similar birds in a bush.
The study, conducted by Dr. Reince Frelqum, Endowed Chair of the Avian Economics Department, focused on analyzing markets around the world and how they have responded to recent upheavals in China and Europe.
“It seems that, after the Chinese stock market crashed and the loss of the key Ukrainian bird bushes to Russia, there is a glut of birds in hand. That has led to a drastic drop in value, and it is going to leave a lot of bird-holding investors in a dangerous position.” The report discovered that the drop in bird-in-hand value was not a localized phenomena but has occurred throughout world markets, with a potential loss in value to the world economy equivalent to nearly four billion bushes.*
In America, the field of presidential candidates (which themselves represent a glut of supply) were quick to respond, mostly along party lines. Jeb Bush, currently at 3rd place in the GOP polls and candidate most likely to be confused for Droopy Dog, released a statement laying the blame on President Obama. “President Obama’s weak foreign policy and lackluster performance at reviving the US economy from the recession my brother ushered in is completely at fault for this. His failure as a President has threatened the very existence of the US middle class which relies so heavily on bird-in-hand retirement plans.”
Bernie Sanders, who was previously outed as a wizard by this magazine, promised to restore the lost value by taxing top earners and wizardry. “We are going to restore the American Promise to the working and middle class!!! With a 1% tax on financial transactions and the blood of a dozen white goats we can bring back the prosperous middle class we used to have!!!!!!” Bernie’s statements were greeted by thunderous applause, though some protesters took issue with it: “Why do the goats have to be white? Black goats matter!”
Thousands of investors were shaken by the news and concerned about how to ensure their financial stability. One very confused investor said that he was cashing out all of his birds in hand and ‘investing’ in Donald Trump’s campaign. “I’ve always heard that you should contribute low and then sell high,” he opined. “So I’m putting my money in the Donald Trump campaign. His poll numbers keep going up so I plan on selling once he hits 50%.”
The media coverage of this new market dip has been intense, but the prevailing wisdom coming out all seems to be following a common theme. “It turns out that birds in hand were never the solid investment that we thought they were,” said one financial advice guru who wished to remain nameless. “What I think people need to do now is to start investing in eggs. Specifically eggs in baskets. We’ve always cautioned people away from them, but hey, turns out we were shit wrong on the birds thing, so let’s just flip everything.”
*Assumes each bush contains between 2 and 3.4 birds.