Successful End to Jade Helm Announced: Texas Now Just a Lowly Province of Federal Government

Mission Success

Mission Success

MILITIA, TX — Standing proudly over the recently conquered land of Texas, a high-ranking member of the US Army recently declared a victorious end to the controversial Operation Jade Helm.  “Thanks to the tireless efforts of our Special Forces and our Obama’s Secret Bee Army, as well as the corporate support of Wal-Mart, we have brought the dangerous Republic of Texas to heel.  We can hereby declare that Texas is no longer an independent nation, but is, in fact, reduced to a mere province of our powerful federal government!”

Jade Helm currently lists Texas as "Conquered" and "Hot".

Jade Helm currently lists Texas as “Conquered” and “Hot”.

Colonel James Whitlock, mastermind of the US invasion of Texas, was happy to provide information on the success of Jade Helm while chugging cans of beer from a “liberated” case of Shinerbock- a beverage that had previously been unavailable to Americans.  “For too long we had to look across the border of Texas and just see all these people running around with too much freedom.  It was disgusting.  So I got together with some other Colonels and such and we cooked up this invasion and sold it to Padishah-Emperor Obama.  He even let us have some of his Secret Bee troops for it.”

Despite all the preparation, the paranoid militias of Texas could not stop the US military.

Despite all the preparation, the paranoid militias of Texas could not stop the US military.

The invasion of Texas was meant to be a secret, but brilliant journalist (and not-at-all nutjob) Alex Jones cracked open the devious scheme early on.  He was able to clue in the world- and the Republic of Texas- that the US military was planning to enforce federal authority onto the Lonestar Nation.  Paranoid militiamen and pandering Governor Greg Abbot were quick to take up the call for the Texas State Guard to defend the homeland.

“Yeah, that was a bit of a dissapointment,” Colonel Whitlock belched.  “We had hoped to just swoop in through Wal-Mart’s secret underground tunnels and take everyone by surprise.  Once Alex Jones revealed those plans though we had to come up with new ones.  Taking Texas was important, we couldn’t just let it be its own nation.”

Colonel Whitlock was hesitant at first to reveal how they had succeeded in bringing Texas into the Union but finally gave up the secret after about beer number seven or eight.  “Time… *hic*… time travel.  We went back to the future… past, the past man.  We went to the past and we just made Texas a goddamn state from the beginning.  Serves em right, ya know?  I love those guys.”  Getting further information out of the

Though unconfirmed, we're fairly certain that Terminators were involved in the 1845 takeover of Texas.

Though unconfirmed, we’re fairly certain that Terminators were involved in the 1845 takeover of Texas.

Colonel became difficult at this point as he wandered off into the desolate wasteland that is Texas to piss on a scrub bush.  It seems, however, that the US government authorized Jade Helm operatives to travel backwards in time and make Texas into a state all the way back in 1845.  In this new timeline, it seems that the US Government has maintained its authority over Texas ever since then save for a brief time when Texas decided they wanted to go to war over the right to keep black people as slaves.

maxresdefaultTexas Governor Greg Abbot has not yet released a statement about the end of Jade Helm so we made one up for him, “It is appalling that the unarmed Texas State Guard that I ordered to keep tabs on the most powerful military in the world was not able to keep the US invaders from conquering us.  Just shameful.”

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