When a group of teenagers sat down at their ouija board late last week they did not expect to receive the news they did.
‘We were trying to communicate with our dead cousin.’ said Robbie Lugianos, part of the group of teens. ‘And we didn’t really even think it would work. We never expected to be contacted by the souls of unhappy conservatives in hell!’
Robbie and his friends accidentally unlocked a portal to the netherworld, where unhappy conservatives were reaching out for help. ‘They told us hell was too crowded.’ Robbie explained. ‘And that they wanted a wall to keep more unwanted souls from entering.’ An estimated 108 billion people have lived and died on planet Earth, so it’s not hard to imagine the afterlife being quite crowded. ‘They said that hell used to be a pretty good place, but new-comers are ruining it. Satan is too liberal and just let’s anyone in. The new souls that come in want to participate in the orgies, but don’t spend any time in the brimstone. And their cooking stinks up the whole apartment building.’
‘It turns out that the Jewish were indeed God’s chosen people.’ Robbie told us. ‘The souls of the damned conservatives told us all about it, only practicing Jews get into heaven. But only about 5% of the world’s population is Jewish, so hell is pretty dang crowded and heaven, not so much. That’s almost 87 billion souls crammed into Hell.’
Once the teens posted about their experience on social media it went viral and major news outlets picked up the story. Since then Trump has promised to help his friends in Hell.
‘I’m in tight with the man in charge there.’ Trump tweeted earlier today, ‘I’ll see what I can do for my friends and relatives in hell. I build very good walls. It’s well known and documented. Any wall I build will be the best in the world. Or, in this case, the underworld.’