Denver, CO — An Aurora man is being held at the Denver County Correctional facility for interfering with an ongoing police investigation. Jake Benson, 28, was arrested after he attempted to subdue an undercover police officer, allowing a suspect to escape. Benson tested negative for drugs or alcohol, but his statement and psychiatric evaluation both revealed the same chilling reality; he thinks he’s Batman.
“It seems that in the months prior to Mr. Benson’s altercation with police, he had taken an online personality quiz,” Denver County Sheriff’s deputy Debi Butler told TMS. “Apparently when the result came up as Batman, Mr. Benson took it to the extreme.”
“I didn’t even know it about myself,” said Benson from county lockup, still donning the plastic mask he bought from Target. “I was surprised as anyone. But you can’t just ignore something like an online personality quiz. When it told me I was Batman, I knew I had a responsibility to my city, and I couldn’t just not be Batman. This wasn’t about me; it was about the quiz.”
Admittedly, Benson is unemployed and living in the guest room over his parents’ garage and had been smoking pot when he took the quiz, but “I gave that up,” he said. “I have to be clear headed and focused if I am to clean up this city.”
As for accidentally roundhousing an undercover cop?
“These things wouldn’t happen if the police would cooperate with Batman.”
This isn’t the first time an online quiz has caused criminal behavior. A 2009 incident made national headlines when 43 year old electrician Al Bartlett broke into Barry Williams’ Santa Monica home dressed as Florence Henderson after a Which TV Mom Are You? quiz matched Bartlett with Carol Brady.
“He was just there, cooking me breakfast in a blonde wig,” Williams told police in 2009. “It was really nice, actually. Creepy; but nice.”
One can’t help but wonder if incidents such as these are in fact the intended consequences of online personality quizzes. Websites like Buzzfeed are well-known for their continued usage of thought control and desire to spread anarchy. Their mission statement clearly mentions toppling the world’s governments and bringing about the apocalypse, so next time you consider taking an online quiz, think about Jake Benson. Think about him a lot. Close your eyes and picture him dancing. Maybe the Charleston or the Bootsie Roll. Okay now he’s doing the Whip and the Nae Nae. You’re wasting your life.