The Real Danger of Climate Change

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This is probably Al Gore. Nobody's really seen him in a while.

Former Vice President and international sex symbol Al Gore leads a quiet life out of the spotlight, making a living as a Tennessee mountain man, wrestling bears, eating poisonous berries, and making hats out of raccoons; except when he’s in the spotlight, screaming ranting about climate change.

“I have made climate change an important platform because I truly believe the impact of man’s irresponsible stewardship of natural resources could prove catastrophic,” he said from his Tennessee mountain home, a rustic cabin he built from trees he ripped out of the ground and gnawed to length.  “But the danger, I believe, extends beyond the environment.  We are already seeing extreme weather patterns and rising temperatures, but as the polar ice caps continue to melt, a greater, more immediate threat could arise, a threat I had prayed I’d never see again in my lifetime.”

Apart from his eloquence, Gore looks and sounds essentially like an extra from Duck Dynasty, but unlike Duck Dynasty, he isn’t acting like a lunatic for truckloads of money.  He’s doing it for free, and for a good cause. 

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Young Al Gore defends his preschool.

What many people don’t know is that in 1958, when Gore was only 10, an asteroid landed outside his quiet hometown.  Unbeknownst to the townsfolk, for they had no way of beknownsting it, the asteroid carried inside it an amorphous alien life form they would later dub “The Blob”, an insensitive moniker betraying the town’s prejudice given the time and place in which these events occurred.  But, thanks to the heroic efforts of actor Steve McQueen and teenagers with fire extinguishers, The Blob was stopped, and its frozen form taken to the north pole where it would remain, in suspended animation, as Steve McQueen’s warned us more than 50 yrs ago, “as long as the arctic stays cold.”

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Either that's the Blob or King Kong got his sac stuck in the door again.

“Those words have haunted me to this day,” Gore explained of his strong environmental platform.  “What I– we– survived that night was horrific.  We lost friends, neighbors… Landscaping.  Ten years old, I swore that thing could never get free again.”

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A townsfolk discharges a fire extinguisher.

50 years later and Gore’s struggle becomes more and more uphill.  Conservatives have convinced the public that the Blob is a left-wing fabrication intended to hinder corporations.  But Gore beknownst better.  “It’s all to real,” he warns.  “And it cannot be stopped!”

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