The Real Battle of Helm’s Deep

The Battle Of Helm’s Deep remains one of the most historically significant events in our shared history as it set the stage for the remainder of the Third Age, but much of what is known about the battle has been re-written by the educational textbook conglomerates to sterilize it for mass consumption, but in our never ending quest to bring you the truth, we at The Monthly Spew are here to set the record straight forever.


In the time leading up to the Battle of Helm’s Deep, Rohan had been corrupted by the evil of the traitorous wizard, Vincenté Saruman and his agent/manager, Grima Wormtongue.  With the help of the resurrected Gandalf the White, Saruman was cast out and King Theodonald was freed from his influence.


Determined to make Rohan great again and facing a massive force of Uruk-hai determined to take the jobs of native Rohan people, Theodonald built a wall, a good wall, for cheap, and made Saruman pay for it, and called it Helm’s Deep.  When the Uruks came looking for work and to escape the horrible conditions of el Isengard, Theodonald used elven drone strikes to drive them back.


But the Uruks exploited a weakness in the wall, namely southern California, and breached the Wall, forcing Theodonald and his supporters back into the Keep, where they were slaughtered mercilessly.  With the Rohan workforce decimated, the Uruks went to work harvesting crops and cleaning houses.  The End.


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