National Coffee Day: Free Coffee Comes With a Dark Side

Drink your coffee, but be prepared to take responsibility for it.

Drink your coffee, but be prepared to take responsibility for it.

Today was National Coffee Day, a day in which millions of Americans acquired free coffee or otherwise consumed more caffeine than normal.  For many this was a reason to rejoice, but there is a dangerous dark side to this national festivity that many are not aware of.

Recent reports from the nations’ National Plumbing Organization of Professionals (or N-POoP) are showcasing the dangers inherent in convincing America to drink more than the normal amount of coffee.

"Itsa poop!"

“Itsa poop!”

“Our infrastructure is not built to handle this influx,” said N-POoP chairman Mario (last name redacted).  “It has been years since we had enough money to do all the proper plumbing checks and repairs that would be needed to handle a day like today.  I’m afraid that we’re looking at a real problem here.  A smelly problem.”

"There's PVC tape, there's foam tape, there are tapeworms but those aren't actually tape.  We're going to use them anyway."

“There’s PVC tape, there’s foam tape, there are tapeworms but those aren’t actually tape. We’re going to use them anyway.”

The nation’s plumbing system is groaning under the extra strain being placed on it by millions of caffeinated bowels.  Cities like Seattle are desperately attempting to shore up the creaking piping with increasingly desperate measures.  “We’re using duct tape, we’re using Scotch tape, we’re using masking tape, we’re using painter’s tape.”  Explained Seattle Mayor Ed Murray.  “I’ve been in my office all day just trying to think up the names of different kinds of tape so that we could use that too.”

But there are some who are thrilled by what many see as National Coffee Day’s dark side.  It seems that trillions of bacteria are suddenly finding themselves with homes and jobs and food for their fast-multiplying family in the wake of NCD’s bowel-loosening flood.  We attempted to get an interview with some of these bacteria but could not.  Because they’re bacteria and they don’t know how to speak.

The 2016 Presidential candidates demurred to answer whether or not they would outlaw National Coffee Day in the future.  Head clown Donald Trump did, however, state that the toilets in his Trump Hotels were built to hold up to the hugest of American bowel releases while remaining very classy.Untitled Infographic (50)


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