OGUNQUIT, ME — “Researchers” at the National Rifle Association have recently published a study on the efficacy of guns. Not surprisingly, the results were positive for the lobbying arm of gun manufacturers that is the NRA. Many stupid liberals have already decried the results as pandering nonsense and plan a completely ineffectual protest, calling for people to wear beetle-shaped hair pins in their hair at Starbuckses nation-wide. Nobody knows what this is expected to accomplish.
The “study”, published by the recently-launched Journal for Coming Up With Reasons for Owning More Guns Than Anyone Could Possibly Need was conducted by a team of “scientists” and funded by the NRA. The NRA has, subsequently, raised the cost of its memberships to cover the study’s exorbitant costs, claiming that it needed to do so because, “Obama.”
According to the study’s findings, guns are 100% effective at preventing non-gun-toting researchers from conducting studies about the causes of gun violence. The NRA actually considers this to be somewhat controversial because their official statement is that there is no such thing as “gun violence” or “violence”, only tyrannical governments and patriotism.
Lead Researcher Victor Mankini described the nature of the study in layman’s terms because he lacks any kind of advanced degree in the social sciences and is, in fact, a gun store owner. “What we did was, we went out and found all these doctorates people that were trying to study whether or not America has too many guns. Well we know it doesn’t, so why let them waste all that tax-payer money? So we got the NRA to raise membership fees and pay us to go around and put a stop to it. Then, because we found out that if we published a paper and called it research we wouldn’t have to pay taxes, we decided to write it up and get it published. And what we found out is that when you point a bunch of guns at research scientists, they stop doing what they were doing and they go away. Pretty straightforward.”