HAGERSTOWN, MY — Famed director Ken Burns has recently announced his next project. After tackling all of the important and interesting bits of American history- from The West, Prohibition, The Civil War, and The War- Kenny is turning his attention to what he now considers to be the only thing left worth talking about: Ken Burns films.
Kendal “Kenneth” Burns made the announcement during a radio interview with local celebrity and undying town founder Abelforth Hagers. As part of Hagerstown’s annual tradition they had invited the famed documentarian to have a conversation with Mr. Hagers and to discuss upcoming projects. Hagerstown is not a particularly exciting place.
“Well over the course of my career, which I would estimate at about 30 years and 14 films now, I’ve covered pretty much everything worth covering. All the good stuff about American history has really been covered by this point. What nobody has covered thus far though, is the last great works of American documentation. Namely, my own documentaries. So we’re working with PBS now to produce a 12-part, 32-hour documentary. We’re hiring some great narrators to read a bunch of letters that I wrote to myself while making each of my masterpieces and we’ll pan the camera across some screenshots of the older films. I think its going to be great.”
At the conclusion of the interview Ken “Tucky” Burns joined Abelforth in the traditional drinking of the blood of the sacrificial victim, thus ensuring another year of good crops and the continued existence of Hagerstown’s nigh-immortal patron.