In a surprise move all Wal-Marts have been declared ghostless by the Ghost Hunters of America Club. This is certainly seen as good news for Wal-Mart’s thousands and thousands of customers, but the company’s shockingly wealthy owners have expressed some ambivalence. That concern seemed to be borne out in after-hours trading as Wal-Mart’s stock took a dip and briefly manifested as a screaming, transparent child.
The announcement came after a three-month investigation conducted by the GHAC, America’s premier ghost-hunting organization. Like other ghost hunters, the GHAC is composed entirely of people with shaky hands, a devotion to the close-up shot, and perpetually runny noses. Where the GHAC differs is in their focus on businesses instead of the houses of old shut-ins built with poor foundations and noisy water pipes. The GHAC conducted their investigation without the permission of Wal-Mart and against its express demands that it stop. For the three-month period, various GHAC members would hide from Wal-Mart security while waving infrared cameras in the general direction of any noises they heard. The GHAC claims to have investigated more than 6,000 “strange noises” and “weird feelings” and “foul odors” but all these occurrences were found to have simple explanations such as items falling off shelves, eating shrimp from the Wal-Mart deli, and the flatulence of several Wal-Mart customers.
At the end of their investigation, the GHAC expressed their dissapointment with the findings. They also expressed a concern over the Walton family’s refusal to allow them to conduct a similar investigation in the founder’s home. “Our new theory is that ghosts simply can’t survive on the kind of wages that Wal-Mart offers,” said Lemuel Morningstar Goldhawk, Head Wizard of GHAC. “After this, we plan to investigate the TCBY in Knightstown, Indiana. We kind of blew our whole budget on this one, so its back to basics for us.”
Due to the complete lack of grammatical, syntaxical, and general knowledge displayed by the author of this post we have been forced to issue this corrective. The original post stated that “all Wal-Mart’s have been declared ghostless.” As many of you no doubt noticed, this was an egregious error as it should have stated “all Wal-Marts have been declared ghostless.” Rest assured that we take this issue more seriously than we take the lives of your precious children, many of whom were no doubt traumatized by this occurrence of failure. We deeply apologize and extend our sympathies to those who had to endure the heinous and willful negligence displayed by our former staffer. That staffer has now been fired and stripped of all dignity. By the time of this publication they were reportedly wandering the ravaged wasteland of their own shattered dreams, probably while on heroin. They will not be missed.