CAMBRIDGE, UK — In a surprise move the presidential candidates competing in both the Republican and Democratic primaries released a joint statement suspending their campaigns. The stated purpose for the field-wide suspension is that the candidates intend to spend the next few days preparing for the the launch of post-apocalyptic survival/murder simulator Fallout 4.
Many of the candidates cited the need to stock up on Mountain Dew, beef jerky, and Funyuns prior to the release in order to survived anywhere from 30 – 152 hours of continuous gameplay. Dr. Ben Carson expressed his belief that, based on his playtimes for both Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas, he expected his first playthrough to take at least a week. “Too many people go for guns and big showy explosions. That’s not my style, I like to keep things a little more low-key and that takes more time and deliberation. I’m very excited by the new Charisma skill tree,” he added, noting that in real life he possessed none. “I find that the best way to beat a Fallout game is to talk to every NPC for at least 3 hours until they go to sleep. Then you can stab them and steal their bottle caps.”
Donald Trump promised that he would beat Fallout 4 with “The greatest, highest, most classiest score that anyone has ever got. Those Bethesda guys? They’re chumps. I’m going to blow them away. I know what its like to start out as a poor Vault dweller and have to turn a handful of caps into a real estate empire. Once I’m able to secure a small loan, just a million or so caps, from the Enclave or the Brotherhood of Steel and some tax credits from the NCR, you’ll start to see Trump Towers dotting the Wasteland all glittery and gold and classy.”
Some candidates also noted the need to say goodbye to their loved ones before they dissapeared into their basement game rooms for the forseeable future. “Bill will be just fine, but I did want to let Chelsea know where I’d be,” noted former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “And I have a very nice setup at my house with my own server to run Fallout on. That’s not because I want to hide my score, its just to protect the public from having to sort through my play-logs. I assure you that everything I do within Fallout 4 will be totally moral.”
Both Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders used to announcement to make a new pitch for their political agendas. “The amount of economic inequality in the Wasteland is just atrocious!” roared Sanders. “While the billionaire class like Mr. House sit safe in their fortress-casinos, there are junkies and raiders roving the Wasteland just trying to scrape together enough mole rate meat for a meal. Those are the people I’ll be fighting for as I murder my way through the 1%! The raiders need access to quality health care to remove their Jet and their Mentant addictions, to heal their radiation poisoning or the limbs that have been crippled by Bloatfly and Deathclaw attacks!”
Sen. Rand Paul’s take was slightly different, “The problems of the Wasteland are not going to be fixed by expanding government- whether that be Enclave, NCR, or Ceasar’s Legions. What the Wasteland needs is less intervention and more guns. I promise that my campaign as the Sole Survivor of Vault 111 will consist not of me trying to enforce government control over other Wasteland survivors and Super Mutants, but by handing out guns to every NPC that I meet. Once everyone in the Wasteland is armed with, at least, a nuclear bomb-launching Fat Boy we’ll start to see real economic development.”
When asked about the campaign suspensions President Obama said that he understood the pressure. “In 2008, when Fallout 3 came out just a week before the election I had to shut down my campaign too because I knew that I would need to be available once the results were in. Now I was lucky in having John McCain as my competition because we both knew there was no chance I was going to lose.”
The President then followed up with what he sees as the most striking difference between the last few Democrat and Republican presidential administrations. “I want you media guys to pull the numbers on this, because otherwise people won’t believe it. But under Bill Clinton there were two Fallout games released, under George W. Bush there was only one, and, with the release of 4 we’ll have seen two during my administration. And if you include the H.W. Bush years and the Reagan years – neither of which saw a single Fallout game releasted- the numbers look even worse for Republicans. The simple fact of the matter is that twice as much Fallout gets made under Democratic leadership as under Republican failure.”