With much of his biography under intense scrutiny and his batshit Pyramids theory being ridiculed, Dr. Ben Carson has struggled with the media recently. The main issues seems to lie in the strong difference of opinion between them about whether reality should matter more than fiction. Recently Dr. Carson revealed a previously-unkown (or not-yet-made-up) part of his biography: That he had tried to kill his mentor and Jedi Master while struggling with his anger issues.
“I had been facing a lot of adversity in my life at the time- this was when I was still a young adult, working my way through medical school and Jedi training. I had a lot of anger in me that I just couldn’t process. It was noticed by a lot of people at the time. Even Yoda sensed it in me; senses that my fear would lead to anger, hatred and suffering. He was right.”
Dr. Carson explained that his fear at the time came from the recent election of Jimmy Carter to the presidency and to worries that women would have access to birth control. “Also I was pretty certain that the Jedi Council was hiding things from me. Things like who built the Pyramids and Chinese involvement in Syria. I just couldn’t trust Master Windu’s big-government approach and I ended up taking that out on my own mentor, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
After explaining this, Dr. Carson went on to describe an epic showdown between himself and the British-accented Jedi. He claims that their fight occurred in some kind of volcanic factory and he apologized that his anger had caused damage to a privately-owned capitalistic venture. “That’s what I regret most actually. I might have cost that factory owner as much as a %1 decrease in annual profits. Oh, I also strangled my wife into a coma. I guess that’s bad too.”
Dr. Carson was eventually defeated and left for dead by Obi-Wan. “I don’t blame him. I had such rage issues then and I understand he was doing what he had to do. It was really a come-to-God moment for me. I remember lying there, breathing in the super-heated air from the lava pits, and I asked for help. Not from Man but from a higher power. And that request was answered and my life was saved and given meaning by the Emperor.”
Despite the high level of detail provided by Dr. Carson, it has been difficult to verify anything that he has claimed. The Empire does not currently recognize the existence of Jedi, claiming that they were merely a historical delusion. We have reached out to the Emperor for verification that he saved Dr. Carson’s life and received the following statement from the Imperial Press Secretary Darth Vader:
“Obviously Dr. Carson is speaking allegorically. The Emperor played no direct role in Dr. Carson’s life or career. Also, I’d just like to add that much of Dr. Carson’s story does not make a lot of sense. Anyone who suffered the kind of damage that he talks about from his ‘fight’ with this ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’- whoever that is and it is certainly a stupid name and not at all someone that I would be terrified of- wouldn’t just be walking around looking normal. They’d need extensive rebuilding of their body and would probably require life-long respiratory aide.” Darth Vader was then silent for a long time, his head bowed in a way that seemed to indicate sadness. Finally he spoke again, “Besides, Jedi are not real and never have been. I will now take questions on the recent terrorist attack on our peaceful Death Star installation.”
TMS also attempted to locate a Jedi to verify any part of Dr. Carson’s story but failed to do so. The closest we were able to come was a whiny farmboy-turned-terrorist who teared up and started blabbering as soon as we mentioned the name “Obi-Wan Kenobi”. He was then consoled very affectionately by an Alderaan survivor who had a suspiciously similar appearance to the farmboy himself. It was weird.