Chris Christie, current New Jersey Governor and GOP Presidential Candidate with no chance of beating insane front-runner Donald Trump, has announced a new policy that takes a firm stance against radicalism in all forms. His new policy calls for the immediate deportation from America of all individuals or groups with any indications of radical beliefs. Topping the list of groups Christie singled out during the announcement was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
“The dangers from radicalism are clear,” Christie intoned from the Governor’s Palace in Jersey City.* “Radicals threaten our very way of life in America. Whether that is radical Islamic terrorism, radical Christian fundamentalist terrorism, or the free radicals coursing through the (statistically-likely) obese bodies of good Americans. Well once I am president** we will put an end to all free radicals. And we’re going to start with the easy targets, those who have so frequently declared their own radicalism. We will no longer turn a blind eye to groups like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Bart Simpson.”
Civil liberties groups immediately launched a protest against the proposal but the Governor quickly responded by deeming them to be radicals and shipped them all off to Antarctica. The Department of Justice was not sure that a Governor actually had the authority to do that but they were taking a donut break and so did not pursue against against the Christie administration.
*We think. We don’t know much about New Jersey and so we assume this is the seat of government. If we’re wrong let us know and we’ll thank you by ignoring you.
**There was a break in the transcript here as everyone present, Christie included, could not stop laughing for a solid six minutes.