This past week, British author J.K. Rowling, best known for her Harry Potter book series, told the press that your presidential candidate Donald Trump “was worse than” the dark Lord Voldemort, who is featured in her series. Well, as a close, personal friend of Voldemort, I can tell you these comparisons are unfounded.
Now I have known Voldy for some time and while I admire his ruthless cunning and insatiable thirst for power, being mortal, he is given to being insufferably short sighted. Indeed, his idea of power was limited to the world, not only of magic, but of the much-despised “Muggles”, whom I am to understand make up most of Earth’s population. To make it worse, his wrath is centered almost entirely on this one other insignificant mortal who has apparently been prophesized to stop him. Now, I have many prophesies to my name, but I’m not about to get a big head about it. I’m sure I have way more prophesies than Voldy, if I were to look into it, which I won’t since its not important. Plus I probably have way more prophets, even if Voldy’s book series was more popular than my own and the Necronomicon remains mostly unread, but none of this is the point. The point is, Rowling has soured her once good relationship with my dear friend Voldemort with her hyperbolic remarks. It wasnt so much that she compared him to this Trump creature, but that she said someone– anyone– could be worse than Voldy. When the interview hit press, I got a call from Voldy, crying about “How dare she say anyone is worse than me,” and “I actively tried to kill a baby after killing his parents.”
Now, it’s difficult for me to really understand what Voldemort is going through. First of all, emotiins are weakness and i have transcended them. Secondly, As I tormented the dreams of the mortal H.P. Lovecraft (what is it with you human writers and initials? I mean, really?), never once did he make such an unfounded claim that I was in any way less terrifying than any human, or that my greatness was exceeded by even the likes of Warren G. Harding. Then again, my ego isn’t so fragile as to concern myself with what lesser beings think of me.
Thirdly and finally, its difficult for me to be reassuring to a guy who, despite his great evil, is still, now and for eternity, far less evil than I. What am I to say to him? Don’t worry, you’ll get there some day? Not if he should live to watch the stars die and the planets burn.
More than anything else, it gave me pause to contemplate these arbitrary reasonings you humans have labeled “good” and “evil”. I have given this a great deal of thought since it seems that you are in favor of one and against the other, and I have no desire to upset the balance of the cosmos before my time is right, but it seems to me that they are another meaningless way you try to make sense of the universe. Was what Voldemort did really so evil? Only when you view the universe from your tiny, finite perspective. When you view the immensity of the universe through the whole of time and reality bends to your whim, you realize that Voldemort’s grudge against the Potter creature and his war against the wizards is of no consequence. The same is true of this Trump thing and all your futile elections. Once you realize that everything you do is without meaning and your existence is without hope, it is then that you may surrender your volition to me, and be at peace as madness consumes your mind as I consume your dying form. (Choke on that, Voldy.)