“85% of all known Rings of Power are currently controlled by the top 1% of evil Maiar!” proclaimed Senator and Secret Wizard Bernie Sanders at his latest campaign rally in Iowa. “Also by Dragons,” he added after the crowd corrected him. “You are all right, Dragons did eat the seven dwarven Rings. But the issue remains clear! The billionaire class and the Dark Lord continue to hold a monopoly on Rings of Power that is destroying the Middle Class of Middle Earth!”Berntholamew “Bernie” Sanders continued on by explaining the history of the Rings of Power, often reciting long passages of The Silmarillion to a crowd that became, at first, more and more agitated and then more and more asleep. “Even before Sauron came among them disguised under a fair appearance, the Elven smith-lords were producing the Rings of Power only for their own use. Not one ring was ever made for a Hobbit or an Iowan! Only the Elves and the bare few Dwarves and Men that Sauron saw fit to gift with Rings ever got them!
“Well that will end as soon as I’m President! Today I am announcing my commitment to destroying the monopoly on the making of Rings of Power! We will make Ring-making classes and Ring Trade Schools free to every citizen of the United States of America and free to every Istari, every Hobbit, every Elf, every Maiar who makes it across the border! No one who lives in America who wants a Ring of Power will ever by denied the right to wield a Ring of Power!”
Bernie “Sands of Time and Lord of Players” Sanders even appealed to the Republican spies among the crowd. “How can we deny the rights of Americans to wield Rings of Power and claim to uphold the 2nd Amendment? The only thing that stops a bad guy with a Ring of Power is a good guy who has stolen the bad guy’s Ring of Power, refuses to use it, and then has his finger bitten off by a cave-dweller!
“This initiative will jump-start the Middle Class once again! Not only will the production of Rings of Power provide thousands of new jobs, but by ensuring Middle Class access to vast magical power we will boost our economy to record heights! Soon every man, woman, and child in America will have the same opportunities to build an empire of enslaved Orcs and Trolls that is now available only to the top lieutenants of the fallen evil god Morgoth!”
Bernie closed the rally by handing out several Rings of Power that had been produced at a socialist commune in his native Vermont. “These are just the beginning, my servants,” he told those lucky enough to get one of the Rings. “Soon there will be many, many more Rings and we will pass them out among all of the eligible voters.” He then displayed the Ring that we wore and the new Ringbearers bowed before it.
Follow-up polling showed a massive jump in Sanders’ popularity among those wearing the Vermontian Rings.