New Cell Phone Battery Powered By Bad Decisions Could Last Forever

LG, the nation’s leading technology company, which is in no way paying us to write this article, has developed a new cell phone battery that could eliminate the need for cumbersome and restrictive charger cords. 

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Mark Hamill Appalled He Won’t be Getting Oscar for Force Awakens

We agree!

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Everywhere you look, people continue to bash the Oscars for their lack of diversity this year. While racial tensions remain high, there is one issue that no one seems to be addressing. No one except for Mark Hamill that is.

“I don’t understand how it happened. If my performance in Episode VII didn’t get me an award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, then what did it get me?” Hamill commented when he stopped by the Spider Crimes office. “People keep saying, Mark you were only in the movie for like 90 seconds. And I keep saying, ‘Exactly!’”

Hamill claims that moviegoers today fail to appreciate his ability to tell a story with only his eyes. Additionally, he mentioned that The Martian could have benefited from this type of ocular communication. “All I’m saying is why did Matt Damon even speak? Completely unnecessary if you ask me. He’s a total…

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Science: “The Moon Is Massive Space Diamond!”

Researchers at the Lunar Analysis Bureau (LAB) released a study this week compiled from nearly five decades of Moon research and at least one captive moon man, the conclusion of which has the scientific community stunned.

“The moon is not flat, as we have until now supposed,” reported Alan “Buzz” Whitmore, one of the authors of the study and director at LAB. “Instead, it’s a massive space diamond left from the harvest of gas from a planetoid, left here by aliens. Over eons, space dust has collected over the diamond due to gravity, giving us the moon as we know it today.”

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Cross section of the moon with a gorgeous princess cut.

We already know that most gas giant planets are comprise of valuable gases that we yet do not posses the technology to harvest, and that their cores are crystalline carbon, compressed over millions of years by gravity into precious, and “yuge” diamonds.  Millions of years ago, aliens harvested the gas from such a planet and left the diamond core in our solar system where it eventually became a satellite of our earth. Why it was left here remains speculation (LAB suspects space pirates), but time and gravity gave the diamond a thick crust of space dust for Neil Armstrong to muck about on.

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Gas mining is yet to be a good idea.

After the results of the study were released, the White House was quick to respond, saying in a statement, “…because the moon is a territory of the United States, we retain all mineral rights to the riches beneath, even at the expense of indigenous peoples and the mighty Moon Worm.”

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TIME Inc. Announces Plan to Reboot MySpace as a Homeward Bound Cinematic Universe

INTERCOURSE, PA — TIME Inc, the company that owns all the magazines in your dentist’s office that you used to browse listlessly through before smartphones existed, has recently completed the purchase of MySpace.  Many insiders were confused by TIME Inc’s purchase of the decrepit property, but in hindsight MySpace seems like the perfect internet purchase for a print media company to make so that it doesn’t have to die alone.  Today, in a move sure to shake up the blogosphere, TIME Inc announced that they intend to turn MySpace into a cinematic mega-franchise built on the 1993 classic movie Homeward Bound. Continue reading