INTERCOURSE, PA — TIME Inc, the company that owns all the magazines in your dentist’s office that you used to browse listlessly through before smartphones existed, has recently completed the purchase of MySpace. Many insiders were confused by TIME Inc’s purchase of the decrepit property, but in hindsight MySpace seems like the perfect internet purchase for a print media company to make so that it doesn’t have to die alone. Today, in a move sure to shake up the blogosphere, TIME Inc announced that they intend to turn MySpace into a cinematic mega-franchise built on the 1993 classic movie Homeward Bound.
MySpace, as many know, was once a social network that existed as a viable non-Facebook option and allowed you to rank your friends and fill your homepage with system-crashing, virus-laden backgrounds. It was originally sold by living profile picture Tom for $580 million in 2005 to possibly-living skeleton Rupert Murdoch. The social media platform then spent several years in obscurity being passed from hand to hand- it was once lost in a high-stakes poker game and was featured on an episode of Pawn Stars when a farmer found it in the back of his barn under a half-disassembled 1973 Ford Pinto. TIME Inc completed the cycle by purchasing MySpace for an undisclosed amount which is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $12.35 to 100 pounds of recycled magazine paper.
Homeward Bound was a classic 1993 movie staring two dogs and a cat that had to find their way back home after being lost in the woods. It was beloved by millions despite massive protests by animal rights groups who argued that, since the animals could talk, they should not have been slaughtered and used for upholstery at the end of filming. The studio refused to cave on this point however, and it has been a long Hollywood tradition that all animals used in filming be treated in such a manner. Homeward Bound also gained notoriety when a Director’s Cut was released in 2004. This harsher cut of the movie revealed that all three of the pets had actually been put down by the family prior to the move and that the entire fantasy of them braving the wilderness and making it home was merely the deluded fever-dream of Chance’s dying brain.
TIME Inc says that it plans not just one or two but, indeed, seventeen movies fleshing out the larger Homeward Bound universe. Three of these will be prequels explaining the life of wise old Golden Retriever Shadow while two will follow the exploits of cat Sassy as she navigates the mythological underworld of Cat Hell. Talks are also underway to connect the Homeward Bound franchise to the Running Free universe, a move that has franchise stare Jesse Sythe eager to reunite with his wolverine co-star. When informed that the wolverine had been, as per usual custom, slaughtered and turned into a hat Mr. Sythe asked if he could have the hat. Chance is expected to star in all seventeen films in various cameo roles and producers are already lining up a veritable horde of semi-sentient animal actors. Craftsman are also being hired to create the inevitable furniture out of the animals’ skins.