Science: “The Moon Is Massive Space Diamond!”

Researchers at the Lunar Analysis Bureau (LAB) released a study this week compiled from nearly five decades of Moon research and at least one captive moon man, the conclusion of which has the scientific community stunned.

“The moon is not flat, as we have until now supposed,” reported Alan “Buzz” Whitmore, one of the authors of the study and director at LAB. “Instead, it’s a massive space diamond left from the harvest of gas from a planetoid, left here by aliens. Over eons, space dust has collected over the diamond due to gravity, giving us the moon as we know it today.”

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Cross section of the moon with a gorgeous princess cut.

We already know that most gas giant planets are comprise of valuable gases that we yet do not posses the technology to harvest, and that their cores are crystalline carbon, compressed over millions of years by gravity into precious, and “yuge” diamonds.  Millions of years ago, aliens harvested the gas from such a planet and left the diamond core in our solar system where it eventually became a satellite of our earth. Why it was left here remains speculation (LAB suspects space pirates), but time and gravity gave the diamond a thick crust of space dust for Neil Armstrong to muck about on.

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Gas mining is yet to be a good idea.

After the results of the study were released, the White House was quick to respond, saying in a statement, “…because the moon is a territory of the United States, we retain all mineral rights to the riches beneath, even at the expense of indigenous peoples and the mighty Moon Worm.”

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