New Cell Phone Battery Powered By Bad Decisions Could Last Forever

LG, the nation’s leading technology company, which is in no way paying us to write this article, has developed a new cell phone battery that could eliminate the need for cumbersome and restrictive charger cords. 


“We wanted to explore the idea of a phone that somehow charges itself,” said lead developer Andrew Dice Hossenpfeffer, whose team created the device.  “There had been some attempts at a kintetic battery that uses kinetic energy from a person’s movements, but as technology advances, people are becoming more and more sedentary and obese, the prospect of kinetic batteries vanished completely.  But in that failure, the solution became obvious.”  The new battery, the company claims, is powered by bad decisions.

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This is obviously not the real product. In case you haven't noticed, this is a fake news site.

“It’s an inexhaustible resource,” Hossenpfeffer points out, “and the use of wireless devices creates more bad decision making, so essentially, the device will power itself.  Every time you dial your ex, order something from Etsy, read an article from The Onion, or simply check your Facebook, you will be charging your phone’s battery.”

But consumer protection groups are concerned this will lead to a proliferation of poor decision making as a means of keeping a phone charged.
“Texting and driving is a serious problem,” says Amanda Cho, Director of The Consumer Protection Committee, a watchdog group that assesses risks of new technology. “This battery design actually encourages this type of dangerous behavior.”
Hossenpfeffer disagrees. “We do not condone or encourage engaging in dangerous and irresponsible behaviors for the sake of charging one’s phone,” he says. “We do, however, acknowledge that you will eventually make bad decisions on a daily basis, and intend to use this as an environmentally sound source of green energy. There’s no point in having a full battery if you’re dead.”

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Phone will explode if you stream Fuller House.

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