Fact-Checking: Internet Sensation!

As we struggle along for content and readership, The Monthly Spew likes to jump on bandwagons and popular trends to grab a piece of that sweet, sweet satire pie.  In that spirit, we have taken some statements by political candidates and checked them for factuality, giving you, the chump voter, a clear and definitive litmus test for deciding whose evil is the lesser-est.

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Bernie Sanders:
“I want to feed the poor on the blood of the wealthy. I want to burn down your golden palaces and sack your cities.”

False

Attributed to Sanders by every Republican I’ve ever spoken to, not only did he never say this, we find nothing that suggests he even secretly feels that way, despite his being a level 74 paladin-mage.

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Hillary Clinton:
“If elected, I promise to return the China and silverware I stole.”

False

Typical empty campaign promises.

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Ted Cruz:
“Take off, ya hoser, eh?”

True

You are, indeed, a hoser and you should, indeed, take off.

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Donald Trump:
“I would like to bang my daughter.”

100% True

It’s been well documented that Mr. Trump’s sexual comments about his own daughter are true.

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Marco Rubio:
“Dur dur dur dur dur.”

True

We have been able to verify through multiple sources that Mr. Rubio’s assertion is, indeed true.

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Dr. Ben Carson:
“Wait, am I still in this thing?…Really? Well, how am  I doing? …Really?!”

True

Just like you, Dr. Carson sincerely forgot he was running for President, a fact illustrated by his performance in every primary so far.

There you have it, in every instance the Republican candidates are telling the truth and the Democrats are dirty, filthy, dirty lying scumbags. Science!

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