The internet lit up in the days following the Super Bowl this year as Peyton Manning’s less talented but more attractive brother looked on listlessly as Peyton and the Denver Broncos bent the Carolina Panthers over their knee and gave them a good, old-fashioned NFL spanking.
Many criticized Eli (again; less talented, more attractive) for being a huge dork and unimpressed by his older, more talented, but less attractive, but still way richer, brother Peyton’s superhuman ability to throw and carry an elongated ovoid object into a predetermined 10 yard space more times than another guy.
Since that time, Peyton Manning, no doubt discouraged by his brother’s inhumane lack of support and annoying mouth-breathing, retired on national sports television. Despite drawing the support of former sports legend and current pudgy owner of Peyton Manning’s Super Bowl sweat, Juan el Rey, a cardboard cutout of Eli watched on– his stare cold, his expression unmoving– and, as a visibly emotional Peyton bid goodbye to the team, the fans, and the game he loved so much, Cutout Eli’s cardboard eyes didn’t even moisten.
This has led many amateur commentators to speculate within the Twitter sphere, blogosphere, biodome, and their parents’ basements as to why Cutout Eli would be so callous. Most claim it is clearly because of jealousy, that Eli is envious of Peyton’s third dimension. The cutout could not be reached for comment.