DOLLYWOOD, TN — Speaking from a podium carved from rocks stolen from the set of The Martian, Matt Damon recently announced that there were plans for a new trilogy of Jason Bourne movies in the works. There is already a new Bourne movie (boringly titled ‘Jason Bourne’) scheduled for 2016 release, but this new trilogy will start after that release. The title for the first of the new trilogy is ‘Bourne: In a Barn’.
“We have an entire arc planned out,” Matt Damon promised to a crowd of Dolly Parton fans. “We needed to do ‘Jason Bourne’ first so that the new trilogy will make sense. At the end of ‘Jason Bourne’ Jason Bourne- that’s my characters name in these movies, I’m not just stuttering now- will end up in a very interesting situation that will lead into the new trilogy. He’ll be in a barn. I’ll be in a barn. Well, not all the time because I’ll get to go to my trailer between shoots and have snacks and stuff. I was able to do that on ‘The Martian’ too. People think that I was on Mars that whole time, but I was actually able to go to my trailer.”
Many of the theme park attendees started to wander away at this point but were curtailed by Mr. Damon’s event security. “Look, this is important. Let me explain. So at the end of ‘Jason Bourne’ I slash Jason Bourne will end up trapped in a barn. Now the producers probably don’t want me to give that ending away but its ok because the entire purpose of ‘Jason Bourne’ is just to set up the new trilogy. So he ends up in a barn and that leads into the first movie of the new trilogy: Bourne: In a Barn. Jason Bourne, trapped in a barn. Its going to be great. I slash he will spend the next movie just trying to get out of the barn. Very emotionally intense. But don’t worry, because you need to remember, that I will actually be able to leave and get snacks during shooting breaks. I’ll be ok.”
Dollywood’s own security began scuffling with Mr. Damon’s hired thugs at this point, attempting to free the theme park attendees. Matt Damon responded by retreating into the Lightning Rod, supposedly the world’s fast wooden roller coaster. The kidnapped crowd was herded in behind him and Mr. Damon’s security team established a secure perimeter. Dolly Parton called for a peaceful resolution of the situation but authorized her security staff to deploy the Dollywood M1A1 Abrams Guest Relations tank.
“Now I promised that this would be a new trilogy, and it will. That’s not just one movie. Its actually going to be three movies. And I’ll be able to go to my trailer and get snacks during all of them. During the filming. You won’t see any of that on screen though. The second movie is going to be ‘Bourne: Free’. That’s because at the end of ‘Bourne: In a Barn’I slash Jason Bourne actually escapes the titular barn. I that am Bourne becomes Free in a very true and meaningful way. So the second movie is about the Bourne that is Me that is One being free. We go on a roadtrip with the rescuer who is Batman and also Ben Affleck. Free, on the road.”
Several of the kidnapped hostages tried to escape onboard the Lightning Rod, counting on its legendary speed to help in their flight. Unfortunately they ended up back at the starting point and were re-captured by Mr. Damon’s mercenaries.
“And then we get to the final chapter. ‘Bourne: Again Christian’. Jason Damon finds redemption through Christ. This will be very moving because in order to do so he has to let go of his past by drowning Ben Batman in a river. Very moving. But Ben Affleck will be ok. He’ll still be able to go to his trailer and get snacks.”
At the time of this writing Dolly Parton was continuing to call for a peaceful resolution after ordering the Guest Relations tank to open fire.