Sasquatch Dropped As Jack Links Spokescreature


Following an FBI probe that uncovered hundreds of illicit images of underage Yetis, Jack Links, makers of finely crafted, perfectly seasoned dried meat products, have dropped Sasquatch as their spokescreature, content to leave him to spiral down in his own ugly vortex of bad decisions, public embarrassment, and self-destructive behavior. 


While it is actually unknown whether the Yetis in the pictures are actually underage, or that any such legal distinction exists for cryptids, or even if the content is sexually explicit (even though the creatures are completely naked, their naughty bits are covered in thick, smelly fur), or why these are the only pictures of any Yetis in existence, Jack Links won’t take any chances, citing the bad publicity Subway experienced after Subway Jared was exposed as a fat, sweaty pedophile.


“When a celebrity is brought on to represent a company, they become the face of that company in the eyes of the consumer, for better or for worse,” said Jack Link, don’t act like you don’t know who he’s supposed to be. “It’s best if we distance ourselves from any possible controversy before it ever happens.”



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