— DECATUR, IL The Fundamentalist group All Kites has recently declared all-out war against drone operators worldwide. The announcement comes after a long period of growing tension between the groups of aerial hobbyists and was accompanied by a wave of kite attacks across the globe.
Gina Torres, the leader of All Kites, appeared in a video announcing the new war. Ms. Torres’ whereabouts remain unknown at this time though she is suspected of operating out of Serenity Valley. “Drones are an abomination against the sky and against all aerial hobbies. We shall not rest until every drone is grounded and the skies are once more filled with kites and balloons.”
Drone operators have begun to report thousands of attacks as they attempt to take selfies of themselves and film their neighbors’ sunbathing trophy wife. Most of the attacks have consisted of dozens of kites suddenly swarming quadcopters and camera drones.
“Honestly they’re not that troubling,” said one drone operator who spoke under condition of anonymity. “The strings are pretty easy to cut if you superglue razor blades to the ends of the rotors. Once we figured out that it was really just a matter of learning to put up with the sounds of children crying because you ruined their kites. I remember this one bald loser of a kid who just wouldn’t stop. Eventually I had to promise to hold a football for him while he kicked it. Then I pulled it away and he fell on his ass! What a loser!”
Gina Torres has promised that All Kites will not rest and that this first wave of attacks is only the beginning. Her organization is already reaching out to other fundamentalist groups in their fight against drones. “We’ve had our own battles against the hot air balloonists and the Macy’s Parade but we’re going to put that behind us for now. The unholy scourge of drones must be ended.” After promising that All Kites would adapt and spread Mrs. Torres had one last chilling promise, “You can’t take the sky from me.”